A Taxonomy of Baseball Eyebrows

Baseball, besides providing us with boundless joy and Things to Talk about with The Stern and Distant Fathers of America, also lays out before us the full complement of modern eyebrow styles. Let us now see to the essential business of identifying and naming those styles …

Prototype: Wally Moon
Taxonomy: “The Woolly X-Axis”

Mr. Moon has, of course, graced these pages before, largely on the strength of his eyebrows and related steely gaze. So why “The Woolly X-Axis”? Because Wally Moon’s brow is as straight as a line drawn by Autocad and as unceasing as the love of a good woman. It is also not hairy, but woolly.

Prototype: Andy Etchebarren
Taxonomy: “The Husky Tolkein”

On Mr. Etchebarren we see brows that, unlike Mr. Moon’s, possess a left-right autonomy but still manage to indulge in neglect and misrule. They call to mind a man who is too preoccupied by things British, like sodden moors or alcohol or making love to an elf, to tend to matters eyebrow.

Prototype: Vic Rodriguez
Taxonomy: “Forehead Made of Sex”

Mr. Rodriguez sees to his business. His caterpillars are maintained but not to the extent that they are robbed of the manly vigor within. Fact: Each eyebrow houses a functioning pecker.

Prototype: Frank Zupo
Taxonomy: “A Rumor of War”

One might be tempted to survey Mr. Zupo’s developing situation and term it “The Woolly X-Axis.” But, lo, it is not! Note that the line is not unbroken! Observe that the center cannot hold! The momentary, strobe-lit glimpse of skin indicates a turmoil, a border conflict between entrenched right brow and dissident left. A fife-and-drum corps heralds bloodshed and the terminus of statecraft. Yes: a rumor of war.

Prototype: Bill Buckner
Taxonomy: “Brezhnev’s Lively”

Named for superficial resemblances to Leonid Brezhnev, who’s most famous for being not as bad as Stalin. As you can imagine, this brow styling often accompanies a man devoted to maintaining the command economy, crushing the political opposition and playing baseball. Somewhat curious, then, that this search yields no results. A little too curious, actually.