As a four-times-a-week NotGraphs writer, sometimes it is hard to find new things to write about. And sometimes posts so magical, so incredible, so absolutely must-post-able just fall into your lap when you’re barely even looking. Sure, I was browsing on Amazon, looking at the pages for some recently-released baseball books, wondering whether Jerry Reuss or Jason Grilli will sell more copies of their respective books… when I came across this review of Jason Kendall’s new book, “Throwback.”

I am just going to present this review, in its entirely, because this, fine readers, is the reason the Internet exists:

Yes, this review was helpful to me. Yes, yes, yes, fifty thousand times yes!

In the current state of baseball, where tiny little NSA cameras are tracking every player’s move and GMs do deals exclusively via business sexts, a player must make sure they are well represented in the online community. Anybody who is anybody has an out-of-date webpage promoting their charity, an Instagram account for posting dark and blurry pictures of steaks, and a Twitter page that shares bullshit phrases falsely attributed to famous people. This is imperative. A player’s to-do list for the day includes calisthenics, a sensible meal, and stepping up their social media game to the fullest. Can’t stop, won’t stop.

This is the case for Jonathan Singleton. His MLB career is one day old, but he already has a major league home run under his belt. That’s one home run wasted without a signature home run hashtag. His teammate George Springer has the almost coital #SpringerDinger moniker to denote his home runs. It is time to create another.

The Astros fans/writers I commiserate with on Twitter have some ideas, but since at least 12% of NotGraphs readers are creative, I figured it would be a good idea to ask the filthy masses. Do your best. Make daddy proud.

[polldaddy poll=8100208]

She’s far from perfect.
Old now, but home. All we’ve got.
Happy birthday, babe.

This has been a NotGraphs Haiku, inspired by the cold and unflinching hands of death, which is coming for us all, even the SkyDome.

GIF credit: The Internet.

“Pretty happy with myself,” is how Marlins GM Dan Jennings reacted to the move.

MIAMI — Just two days after trading the 39th-overall pick in the upcoming draft to the Pittsburgh Pirates for replacement-level reliever Bryan Morris, the Miami Marlins appear to have traded their other Competitive Balance selection — in this case, the 36th-overall pick — for whatever coins or other solid matter is currently trapped within the couch of this guy named Steve.

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In base-ball circles, Yankees backstop Brian McCann is known as being a man of substantial left-handed pop, superb defensive chops and a polo-ist’s sense of propriety. He is also — as we have previously explored in this very electric newspaper — prone to strobe-lit glimpses of the yawning void that lies beyond.

Know that it — and “it” is the unnameable thing that harrows Mr. McCann down to his primordial essence — has happened again …

Brian McCann knows what awaits us all. Such burdens are enough to buckle a thousand Frodos.

On the face of it, this scene depicts Chone Figgins reacting to a pitch from Jose Quintana during last night’s contest. Only the power of ChoneVision^TM — which was once, quite presciently, described by the poet Percy Bysshe Shelley as “[stripping] the veil of familiarity from the world, and [laying] bare the naked and sleeping beauty which is the spirit of its forms” — reveals the truth.

So, Jon Singleton just guaranteed himself $10 million over the next five seasons— and a call-up to the majors– in exchange for giving the Astros an extra year before he hits free agency, and locking him into a team-friendly contract in the event he becomes a decent major league player.

And there are people trying to make the case he shouldn’t have taken the deal?

At the Hopeless Joe quality-of-life level, $10 million buys you 400 years of rent and expenses. Okay, maybe 200 years after taxes. Maybe 100 years after inflation is taken into account (although if you buy bulk at Costco to the extent I do, inflation really isn’t an issue… I have enough mayonnaise for the rest of my life… and don’t tell me you buy into the whole expiration date scam, because you know they’re only there to make you buy more mayonnaise every four years when there’s really nothing wrong with mayonnaise until it turns green… and even then, if you just scrape that top layer off… or just mix that top layer into onion dip at your next party and no one will notice… it’s not like I even like the people who come to my parties… anyone who comes to a party I invite them to clearly has no friends and something wrong with them… so they deserve whatever mayonnaise they get).

So assuming you’re not going to live well into the triple-digits — and who would even want to, given global warming and what’s happening in Syria and the impending final season of Parks & Recreation — it seems like the risk of injury, accident, loss of talent, bird flu, or career-ending mayonnaise poisoning would make this kind of deal a no-brainer for any player with enough sense to evaluate the probabilities.

And if baseball players are known for anything, it’s their ability to evaluate probabilities. That’s why no one ever dives into first base, only the fastest players in the league bother trying to steal bases, and if a manager ever even thinks to suggest that someone sacrifice bunt in the vast majority of circumstances, the entire team bashes his head in with a baseball bat. Of which there are many in the dugout, because they are playing a game of baseball.

How often do we see reasonably-touted prospects never earn anywhere close to $10 million? I’m looking at you, Nick Franklin. But you are not looking back at me, because apparently your eyes don’t work anymore and that’s why you can’t hit the ball. Well, at least not in Seattle. Because your eyes seemed to work great in Tacoma. What is wrong with you, Nick Franklin? I traded for you. The day before you got called back up! I was a genius. No, no, Hopeless Joe can never be a genius. Anyone Hopeless Joe trades for becomes hopeless too. It’s a curse.

Okay, so back to Mr. Singleton and his $10 million. It’s not even like he won’t get a chance at free agency soon enough, if he’s a major league-quality player. He will. And he’ll rake in the big bucks so instead of living in the living room of a one-bedroom apartment owned by an elderly married couple who makes him clean their dentures every night (this is how I save on rent!), he can buy an actual house — with granite counter tops and crown molding and central air and double sinks and all of the things that everyone on House Hunters loves and wants and needs and has to have — and even upgrade his cable subscription to include some of the premium channels, like C-SPAN and QVC.

If this is the kind of contract admitted drug addicts can get, why isn’t anyone lining up to give me the same deal? I can’t go a day without Klonopin. I have three Ativan tablets in the pocket of every pair of pants I own. (Which is one. I own one pair of pants. But it’s a nice pair of pants! And since I never spend time with other people, no one even knows it’s my only pair of pants! That’s the secret, folks– you don’t need a lot of clothing if you never leave your apartment! That and so much more advice in my upcoming e-book, Hopeless Joe’s Guide To Living Hopelessly. Free Xanax with every purchase. I don’t take the Xanax anymore — side effects! — so I figure I’ll just give it away.)

Drug addicts getting $10 million makes me so… emotionally neutral, but I think that may be the Klonopin. I played first base once. And then I balked and so my little league coach sent me back to left field. I didn’t even know a first baseman could balk, but somehow I figured out a way. That was me as a kid, always finding new ways to fail. So, clearly, I should be on the Astros too. And I would sign a contract for a lot less than $10 million. Jeff Luhnow, you know where to find me. (In the living room of that one-bedroom apartment with the elderly couple — but you’ll have to knock loudly because it’s hard to hear over their television set.)

Jon Singleton, if you need Prozac– $1 million a pill, and it’s yours.

HIGHLIGHTS:

• “tor-nah-do”
• “Postage paid!!!” *rapturous laughter*
• Outfield shifting!
• Invisible batsmen!
• Jeanette and Alex, their love preserved for all ages, heralded throughout the universe with a resounding ITA!
• BRRRMP. Double!

According to this totally reputable source, Tornado Baseball (1976) was the third baseball video game released to the public. That makes it a key component to–

VIDEO GAME HISTORY!

Apropos of nothing, the author wondered idly this morning how Cleveland right-hander and current pitching WAR leader Corey Kluber might appear to a typical canine, given the constraints on that particular animal’s faculty of vision.

Apropos of retaining his position as an employee of the present site, the author pursued that line of inquiry slightly further — far enough, at least, to have produced the following three images, each of which represents how Corey Kluber appears to a different kind of animal.

Here, for example, is how Corey Kluber appears to a horse — which animal possesses binocular vision:

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I just got this e-mail from the Mets about upcoming promotions. (Yes, I’m on the mailing list.)

I understand that it’s hard to increase ticket prices when your team is not so good, and that there are a lot of empty seats at the stadium, and no one wants to eat the food anymore now that Ryne Sandberg’s intestines exploded from a Shake Shack burger…

But to charge for a post-game concert???

Yes, I know it’s just half a dollar, but it’s the principle of it.

At least the shirts on Friday are free.

But what’s next?

A dollar to watch the manager when the Orioles are in town?