TOKYO — All of Japan is buzzing with news from the capital today. RHP Yasuhiro Ogawa, SS/3B Shingo Kawabata, and OF/Giant-Man-Bird Tsubakuro were all in attendance as the Yakult Swallows unveiled their new alternate jerseys.

“I definitely like to wear lighter colors,” Ogawa said. “I think the lighter colors are easier to wear in summer (day) games.”

Even though the Yakult Swallows lack any green colors in their normal uniforms, Kawabata felt the alternate uniforms will help them better match their surroundings: “The field is green. The fans (wearing free replica jerseys) will be green. I think more teams are looking for a chance to wear green.”

But not all the players were excited about the change. Fan-favorite and science-abomination Tsubakuro looked visibly displeased despite offering the party’s platitudes:
Read the rest of this entry »

1. Juan Pablo Galavis (current star of TV’s reality train-wreck, The Bachelor). Galavis comes equipped with what Parade magazine (my usual go-to for baseball-related news, right after The Economist) calls an “attractive accent and hunky body,” making him a top choice for teams lacking sufficient handsomeness. Nevertheless, he has found himself in hot water given his recent comments about how a gay or bisexual star of The Bachelor would not be a good role model. (As opposed to the excellent role models that all straight reality television stars are.) Thus, a change of scenery might be good for Galavis. Perhaps to your favorite team, where he offers all the risk of a person who makes offensive comments and none of the reward of actually being able to play baseball.

2. New Jersey governor Chris Christie. Christie could certainly use a new place to ply his craft, whatever that craft might be, after troubles this month involving something about bridge traffic, and how if Chris Christie is standing on a bridge, traffic is blocked in every lane, in both directions. He would make a perfect high-risk, no-reward addition to any team, especially in the short term, since he currently seems likely to be a free agent before his next election. If not sooner. Christie offers your team unmatched plate coverage.

3. Mitik, a frail orphaned walrus. According to The New York Times, Mitik is already on the move, having left New York for Texas, where he will sit out an aquarium renovation, because the unrenovated aquarium is too cold. Most teams could definitely find a place for a temperature-sensitive walrus, especially those in warmer climates. Perhaps the best fit is the Astros, since Mitik is already in Texas, and a frail, orphaned walrus would be an upgrade at most positions. (Though maybe not at first base, where it would be a wash.) He looks to go into spring training unsigned, unless he learns sign language.

Hello, NotGraphs readers. My name is Craig Robinson. Not that one. Or the one who played for the Phillies, Braves, and Giants in the 70s. I’m English, myopic, bearded, a recovering cigarette smoker, left-handed, and for want of a less hifalutin word, an artist. The last two of those facts are pertinent. In this, my first post at NotGraphs, and the next, my second post for NotGraphs, I will be presenting to you the results of an experiment I performed a few days ago: drawing wrong-handed. That is, drawing with my weaker right hand. Or, for the sake of cutesy baseball-themed titling of such things: switch-drawing. Below, I have switch-drawn all of the current baseball parks, fields, and stadiums of the National League. It will not surprise you to learn that the second such post will be of American League parks. Please to enjoy.

Read the rest of this entry »

Click, if thou wouldst dare to embiggen.

In what is surely an exciting development for their groundskeeping and stadium maintenance crews, the New York Yankees today announced a seven-year deal with Tanaka Power Equipment, a brand within the Hitachi Power Tools Group. The deal will give Yankees employees access to the very best in power tools, including chainsaws, grass trimmers, brush cutters, power augers, water pumps, and leaf blowers to maintain the grounds of New Yankee Stadium, at a time when new ballparks begin to show their wear.

Sure, $155 million seems expensive to get exclusive access to Tanaka’s two new straight shaft trimmers, but the Yankees have never shied away from paying top dollar to bring in the very best product. And really, you would be hard pressed to find a higher quality company than the one who introduced the world’s smallest industrial, general purpose 2-cycle engine all the way back in 1962. Also, given that all of Tanaka’s fine products come with a seven year consumer warranty, there’s little risk of the club being left in the lurch should any of the equipment break down.

Read the rest of this entry »

Class. In a glass.

It’s very possible that certain readers of the present site are entirely comfortable with the intensity of their baseball fandom. It’s also possible, however, that other sorts of readers harbor the notion that the resources which they’ve customarily allocated to the pursuit of base-and-ball expertise might actually have been better utilized in the foundation of better and more renewable energy resources or, alternatively, cleaning the bathroom just once ever.

Read the rest of this entry »

After signing his new contract, Clayton Kershaw is approximately equal in value to the Gross Domestic Product of the Republic of Palau. To avoid any confusion between the two entities, I’ve prepared this handy table of comparisons.

Read the rest of this entry »

Look at this Inuit man. Let his face, an etching of curious disdain, deflate your idiotic woes. Study his posture–the quintessence of nonchalance–then mimic it. He won’t mind; he doesn’t even notice you. Do you see his barren homeland? He pays its harshness no regard–a conqueror need not heed the already conquered. He reads, he naps, he pretends to care. He inserts his own name, Ikniqpalaguq, into classic works of literature, or The Saturday Evening Post. He does not give a fuck. He is a leisured gentleman. This man is NotGraphs in the offseason, but way, way better at hunting polar bears.

From the Chicago Tribune.

Ridiculous typo, of course. (Not) from the article:

“They’re dragging the Ricketts’ [sic] name through the mud. There’s nothing wrong with the softening of bones due to a Vitamin D deficiency. Rickets gets such a bad rap, but it’s totally undeserved. Everyone wants ballplayers to have soft hands — but then when it comes to soft bones everyone fights it? It’s nonsense. We want our players to be soft all over — soft hands, soft bones, a soft heart, and soft of constitution. That’s really the only way they can handle all the losing seasons, to be honest. Really, we think it’s been a problem ever since Wrigley Field started allowing night games. When they played 81 games in the sun, everyone got sufficient Vitamin D, and we didn’t have to think about Rickets. But with these night games — and the paralyzing fear of the world that takes over most of our players and their soft brains — no one gets enough sunlight, everyone’s malnourished, and Rickets has flourished. Not to mention Rod Scurvy, who might have been our bullpen coach except he died in 1992.”

In the service of tabling more pressing obligations, I present to you a smattering of nicknames that would be applied to the following NotGraphs contributors, were their skills and essences — such as they are — applied to the playing of this, our baseball, rather than to the befouling of it.

Please regard:

– Michael Bates: “Vicious Delicious”
– Eno Sarris: “Pol Pot the Pederast”
– Bradley Woodrum: “Hound Pastor”
– David G. Temple: “Bible Made of Lasers”
– Carson Cistulli: “Heart Cancer”
– Robert J. Baumann: “If Wizards Were a Gender Unto Themselves”
– Mississippi Matt Smith: “Poo That Smells Like Boogers; Boogers That Smell Like Poo”
– Zach Reynolds: “Fred Brown”
– Patrick Dubuque: “Glum, Confounded Chicken”
– Navin Vaswani: “Sack”

I encourage the readers — both of you — to nominate your own nicknames for the Moron of the High Plains who authored this dumb post.

There are very few baseball players with Luther in their name.

Anyway, Tinkers, Evers, and Chance think they’re more worthy of a holiday than this quartet. No matter how much we try to explain it to them.