The following tweet, which concerns the real and not fake contract demands of recently acquired Cubs catcher George Kottaras, is entirely and in-no-way altered from the original (click to embiggen):
The reason for the season, is pleasin’. Dayn Perry, so happens, wrote the book on holiday pleasin’. His body of work at NotGraphs — including his essential listening podcast appearances with Carson Cistulli — is a secret code for the ultimate holiday gift guide. Allow me to decode.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a good man. I am scarcely a man at all. The only time I demonstrate the steadfastness typically associated with archetypal man is when my full complement of vices is challenged by those circumstantially invested in my survival and or continued employment. That is to say, if you’re looking for a man, then cast thine eyes elsewhere. No, not upon Cistulli and his wrists of cooked pasta.
With all that said, foulest poo — thanks to its grim baseline — can easily be improved upon, and in keeping with this general principle it is worth noting that a ringtone has demonstrably made me a better man. You see, I was weary of the old default-settings ringtone of my Battery-Powered Mobile Business Handheld Cellular Telephone, much as I am weary of my dumb face and essence. The ringtone, though, I could do something about.
Thanks to an app called Ringdroid, which is possibly favored by pregnant teens and their baggy pants and rap-hop music and krokodil habits, I was able to make a ringtone out of any old audio file. As for the interface, even a moaning dolt with hot dog fingers can use it.
For the sound in question that is now my Business Ringtone I chose this, which is a series of professional utterances first celebrated on the august pages of Eye On Baseball …
You may not call me, but if you ever did, then this is what I would hear. And I am the better for it. Barely.
Sharing space with the lawyers, doctors, and management consultants with quirky artisanal side businesses in this weekend’s New York Times weddings section was Shelby Miller, who married his biggest cheerleader. An actual former cheerleader for the Springfield Cardinals. I skim the weddings section each weekend (seriously) and am always excited when I can send my wife the link to a baseball-related article that she might actually read.
Highlight:
When she wants company for a pedicure or a tanning session, he joins her. “When Amy wants me to be a girlie guy,” he said, “I’m willing to do that for her. It’s fun.”
Surely no one in the locker room will be making fun of him for this. Surely.
Even to this day, experts are uncertain about Derrick Turnbow’s authenticity.
The offseason is an exciting time for general managers. It represents an opportunity to prune a roster which has perhaps become untidy and/or acquire new talent in hopes of winning that next (or first!) championship.
With baseball’s winter meetings nearly upon us, the marketplace for free-agent talent is likely to reach frenzied heights. And while it’s sure to facilitate optimism among all parties involved, it also creates opportunities for fraudulent activity.
Yes, I’m talking about counterfeit major leaguers.
