Archive for June, 2013

Damnably Populist Yasiel Puig GIF: Puig’s Grand Slam

Puig Flip Slam

There’s little from history to recommend naked appeals to the sordid, teeming masses. Former Louisiana governor Huey Long, for example, was decidedly populist in nature and ended up all assassinated in his own state capitol building. More recently, Italian media tycoon Silvio Berlusconi — no stranger to the absolutely lowest common denominator — has been forced to serve as that ridiculous country’s prime minister on no fewer than three occasions. “Very unappealing,” one says with regard to that.

And yet, even with those cautionary tales having been well established, what the author has done here is to capture video of Dodgers outfielder Yasiel Puig’s hitting his third home run in four games — a grand slam in the eighth inning, no less, to secure victory for the home team — and render it into GIF form.

“Cynical!” says one sort of reader. “Exciting and easy to consume!” says another. And what does the author say? “Nothing,” is the answer — because it’s after midnight locally, and he’s all alone in the house, typing these vain, needless words.


Video: Phillies Draft Pick J.P. Crawford Hitting Seven Homers

The footage by Bullpen Banter’s Steve Fiorindo of very recent Phillies draft pick J.P Crawford taking infield practice doesn’t necessarily suggest to the author that he (i.e. Crawford) will be a major-league shortstop. What we see later in that same video, however, is Crawford hitting, like, seven home runs by means of a swing that one feels compelled to compare to butter or honey or some other manner of viscous flavor enhancer.


You’ll Never Take My Freedom: Cistulli’s NotGraphantasy Club

Over the course of the week, members of this important internet weblog have written about their respective contributions to what organizer Robert J. Baumann has called the First-and-Only-Ever NotGraphantasy Draft. The object: to assemble, via a snake-draft format, the squad which most embodies the spirit of this nearly perfect internet weblog.

Contrary to David Temple’s overzealous claims of yesterday, it is the present author who has distinguished himself as the No. 1 SuperChamp of this exercise — not only because he is (read: I am) the boss of everyone (although, please note, I am quite literally the boss of everyone), but also because I’ve allowed my own Infallible Nature to guide me, as a compass, to the correct picks.

Before enumerating in greater detail the myriad virtues of Team SuperChamp 2013, first a brief note on the title of this post. It’s very possible that certain of my colleagues — like that inveterate contrarian Patrick Dubuque, for example, with his little face and everything — will suggest that my reference to very popular and woefully inaccurate 1995 film Braveheart is symptomatic of my own mindless allegiance to what mid-century German theorist Theodor Adorno referred to as the Kulturindustrie, or (in English) the Culture Industry. Accordingly, they will attempt to dismiss whatever follows as the product of a mind contaminated by the flotsam of consumerism and jetsam of empty utopian aspirations.

“Ha! Just let them try!” is my response to that. On the contrary, allow me to submit that a truly liberated aesthetic, such as the author possesses, is necessarily large enough and sufficiently expansive to account for texts of all sorts, be they high or low, auteurist or focus-grouped.

The club assembled below — and annotated by clever remarks — is a result of such an aesthetic.

Brown

CA: Jeremy Brown, 11th Round (Profile)
Noted character from Michael Lewis’s important, if polemical, Moneyball. Actually made 11 major-league plate appearances. Retired suddenly following age-27 season having never recorded an OPS below .718 at any level.

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The Elusive Puig

puig


Eno Sarris’s Draft Pronunciation Guide: Corey Knebel, RHP

Become acquainted with all of Eno Sarris’s flawless pronunciations by clicking this hyperlinked text.


Some Common Phrases, GIF-ustrated: Robbery

Ichiro ranks #1 in AFI’s 50 Greatest Heist Movies of All Time.

robberygifustrated

YOINK!


Eno Sarris’s Draft Pronunciation Guide: Alex Balog, RHP

Become acquainted with all of Eno Sarris’s flawless pronunciations by clicking this hyperlinked text.


Notgraphantasy Draft: The Dubuque Dubuques

Presented below this meager introduction is the roster the Dubuque Dubuques, the most geographically centrist of the NotGraphs fantasy teams.

I am by no means a master of style, and so I came into the draft at a distinct disadvantage. You have to go into each draft with a strategy, the experts claim. I knew that competition over mustaches would be fierce, so I chose to tank that category and load up on spectacles instead, hoping to dominate the quotability category in the process.

What I love about this draft idea is that each of us has a different perspective on what exactly NotGraphs is, and our choice of players provides a reflection on that perspective. My own, perhaps unsurprisingly, is somewhat philosophical and meandering, so consider this your TLDR tag.

1mb

1.     Miguel Batista, SP (1992-2012).

If he had fallen to me at seven, I would have selected Rickey Henderson in a heartbeat. He’s not only my favorite player since childhood, but he’s also the perfect symbol for NotGraphs: unfettered, unrestrained greatness in word and deed. But let’s not dwell.

When you google “Miguel Batista poetry,” one of the results on the first page is a Yelp review of Batista’s website entitled “Miguel Batista should focus on his pitching, not his personal website.” Another link is Deadspin trashing Batista for admiring Kenny G.

Miguel Batista is plasma; he can neither be defined nor contained. He is permanent. When he returns to the majors (and he will, somehow) he’ll be the longest-serving player in the major leagues. He’s a poet and a novelist, not as some sort of exercise in elitism or to achieve some rarity based on society’s standards; he writes because he’s Miguel Batista. And as far as that goes, I wish I were as good at being Patrick Dubuque as Miguel Batista is at being Miguel Batista. There are worse goals.

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The Box Score That Broke My Brain

This is a screen shot taken from my computer at 11:46 Eastern Time last night.

Marquis

There is a game between the Padres and the Dodgers. It is the sixth inning. The pitchers are Clayton Kershaw and Jason Marquis. There is a no-hitter in progress.

The pitcher with the no-hitter is Jason Marquis.

My brain has just exploded.

Twitter is also very confused.

Baseball: Anything Can Happen.


NotGraphantasy Draft Domination, per David G Temple

Though I’m too lazy to check, I’m fairly certain that I am still the most junior writer here at NotGraphs. I do not need to check to know that I am taking this God-damn site by storm. My meteoric rise is certainly something of note, however it has created a certain level of pressure around me to perform in this inaugural NotGraphantasy Draft. Would I choke under the pressure or would I step up and prove to have a better understanding of the NotGraphs aesthetic than the rest of these jamokes?

That was a rhetorical question. Because I crushed it. I pushed this draft to the ground and humped it into submission. My haunches are dripping with success. Behold:

(note: I picked 6th in this snake draft of 10 teams)

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