Some predictions need neither timelines or explanations. These are those predictions:

• A catcher’s defensive UZR will be 80% composed of pitch-framing abilities.

• Pitchers will have to wear small, hard helmets to protect themselves from line drives.

• The MLB league office, tired of the Tampa Bay Rays pitching two no-hitters per week while averaging 10 called strikeouts per game, will install robot umpires, effectively outlawing pitch framing. Human umpires will be allowed to and then eventually required to tweet about the game whenever the bases are empty. #umptweets
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The NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team recently stumbled upon some exciting news for Blue Jays fans who are still smarting from the loss of hope that Toronto-born Joey Votto – who recently signed a $200 million+ contract extension with the Cincinnati Reds – would sign for a few million loonies to play with the Jays once he hit free agency.

The Blue Jays front office is gearing up to throw millions and millions of dollars at free agents during the 2012-13 off-season. How is this possible, you might ask? The Jays have discovered a new (and seemingly massive) source of revenue. No, it’s not a new television deal… or a licensing agreement with a sporting apparel company.

It’s hotdogs.

With this clear-cut winner of an idea we are certain that the club can count on at least an extra $30 million dollars to throw at the likes of Josh Hamilton, B.J. Upton, Zack Greinke, and Cole Hamels.

If the Blue Jays are looking to further dive into the supermarket wars, might I suggest one more item:

Clearly there is some money to be had in selling sardines.

(A special thank you goes to my wife who looked on with embarrassment while I photographed hotdogs and sardines at our local supermarket)

Courtesy of the drop-dead gorgeous Chris Cwik comes this Polaroid snapped on game day deep in the bowels of Modern Telephone Concern Sports Enclosure:

I have taken it upon myself to use Les Couleurs to obscure the faces of the two demonstrably less compelling White Socked base-and-ball-ists in this daguerreotype (is that Stan Damned Bahnsen on the far right?) and will instead allow the reader’s eyes to feast, in Old Country Buffet-fashion, upon Dick Allen and Dick Allen alone.

Are you not uplifted by this? If you are, then please pay it forward on this fine day by vanquishing someone of poor taste and breeding.

In the box score of our day, this was an “SB.”

In the box score of the future, this will be an “SBOMGLOLZFUBARWTF.”

A pound fit for brosephs to @CurseofBenitez for the GIF, and an arched eyebrow at Kelly Shoppach.

You, the pure of heart, look at this:

This has been Rabbit Maranville surrounded by rabbits. This has been your Daguerreotype of the Evening.

WGN’s coverage of the Cubs-Cardinals game in St. Louis is currently (as of 3:27pm CT) being delayed by a combination of weather and Cardinals’ World Series festivities. In the meantime, the network is running an episode of noted Chuck Norris vehicle, Walker, Texas Ranger.

As the following pie chart — based on totally real data — suggests, however, there’s nothing whatsoever out of the ordinary about this sequence of events.

In his Discourses, noted Roman Stoic Epictetus proclaims that, to live a life free from anxiety, that each of us must become like a “spiritual athlete.” To that end, NotGraphs presents this exercise, with a view towards helping to tighten and tone the spirits of the readership.

Even the most cautious children can be eaten by she-bears

Notes: In his Thursday afternoon start against the Chicago Cubs, Zack Greinke struck out five of the 20 batters he faced while conceding only a single walk and zero home runs (box). Such a performance, extrapolated over nine innings, would typically see a pitcher allow only a single run. In this Thursday game, however, Greinke allowed eight runs over just 3.2 innings — or, about 20 runs for every nine innings. Of the 14 opposing batters who put the ball in play, nine (or about 64%) of them recorded hits — over twice as many as one would expect.

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Former Cincinnati and Detroit and Houston and Detroit and New York (NL) and Texas and Atlanta and New York (AL) and Washington and NPB and KBO left-hander C.J. Nitkowski has published a collection of photos he took of Tiger Stadium in 1999, the last season of that stadium’s active use. Below are some notable (and clickable, embiggenable) images.

Here, for example, is where a gentleman ballplayer would store his bat:

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The other night, Gorgeous P. Bourjos of the Los Angeles America Angels hit a home run, which, being a home run, means it was a figurative bomb, even if it was an inside-the-park home run, which it was. As well, the curious behavior of first-responding outfielders Josh Willingham and Denard Span suggests that it was also a bomb in the literal sense. Click twice and bear awed witness:

That’s not a literal bomb, you say? Then why is Mr. Span dropping it like … a bomb and then backpedaling with Mercury’s haste? And why is Mr. Willingham scrambling to get safely below the forthcoming blast field? Hmmm?

It was a bomb, so shut up.

Table of Contents

Delectable and Debatable Dotes for April 12:

1. Is Drew “Smyly” False Advertising?
2. Groupon Offer: MLB Team Toasters
3. Mystery Shrouds Ottoneu Tweet

Is Drew “Smyly” False Advertising?

Southpaw Drew Smyly will make his MLB debut for the Tigers today against the Rays. He’s a bit of an under-the-radar prospect, but is gaining interest at sites such as this one. Carson Cistulli noted some notable scouting notes in his Daily Notes column today on the analytical portion of the site. However, the NotGraphs reader will no doubt be applying different type of scrutiny when looking upon Smyly’s premier as they try to answer the question, Just how smiley is Smyly?

An exhaustive (read: 45-second-long) Google image search yielded just these two non-action portraits of Mr. Smyly:

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