This, sorta in the words of Montell Jordan, is how you do it — where “do it” is synonymous with “get into Jonathan Broxton’s pants.”
Tim Collins and me…in Jonathan Broxton’s pants! twitter.com/teaparty61/sta…
— Everett Teaford (@teaparty61) March 15, 2012
The highest of fives to Mike Axisa.
— But, you will say, every moment in naked baseball is a great moment in naked baseball. And to that I say, Quite so. Should that prohibit us from enumerating them and celebrating their greatness? Well then. There are so, so many places we might start. But the best place, I propose, in keeping with our dedication to the Picture and its ever-increasing exchange rate with the Word, is that place at which naked baseball was first photographically documented: at which its joys, theretofore private and ephemeral, were first entrusted to posterity.
While, as Mike Axisa noted yesterday in these pages, most of Team FanGraphs has returned from its annual pilgrimage to the American Desert, such is not the case for our masculine and dangerous founder, David Appelman. Instead, Appelman has — in the tradition of some Native American tribes and also ASU freshmen — has embarked upon a vision quest in the lands surrounding Phoenix.
For obvious reasons, it’s impossible to remain in contact with Appelman as he traverses the parched landscape, naked but for blue jeans and a developing taste for coyote meat. However, evidence of his hallucinogenic walkabout arrived by mail yesterday and has been embedded in this post for the reader’s consideration.
Hey NotGraphs,
I’m tired of reading about how wonderful all the players have been in the offseason. I am also a little bit tired of reading how everybody has turned a corner and is ready to have a career year. Could you give me a list of all the players who will suck for 2012? Not due to injury or anything awful, just a few guys who everybody has pencilled into their lineup who will absolutely suck. Preferably guys who will continue to get pencilled into the lineup over and over again.
I mostly want to watch for these folks around the league this year, to lift my spirits, because I spend most of my time thinking my team is the only one with sucking players. You know, players who are like a black hole in the lineup or rotation. Therefore you can omit any Blue Jay players who will suck. I know all their names already.
Thank you,
GW
The Internetting Gentleman may have encountered tawdry hearsay that the Miami Marlins, denizens of the Sunshine State, where everything — save for the weather, people, housing market, and milieu — is great, recently dropped a new theme song like something that is on the verge of scalding the very hands that bear it. Recognize:
But then the story, like an indolently raveled thing, began unraveling. The Marlins did not, in point of fact, grant their imprimatur to such a malodorous tune! Jeffrey Loria is a professional aesthete, so how, pray tell, would he green-light such an Up-With-Peopled mess?
Here’s how: the world is shit, and yet it manages to spin. This may not be the Marlins’ theme song, but, for me and mine — so all of us, really — this is the Marlins’ theme song.
In the Sunshine State, it turns out, everything is mothertrucking great.
A couple years ago, I stumbled upon a set of negatives from one of my dad’s boxes full of them. He was a photojournalist and newspaperman in the early 1980s and while I was looking mostly for photos of our family, this one caught my eye. It was labeled “Astros/Cardinals 1980 ‘dome.” Some sleuthing revealed it to be this game, the second in a doubleheader between the Astros and the Cards (who will play presumably their last regular rivalry games this year, the Astros final in the National League). This Astros team, featuring Art Howe, Joe Morgan, Jose Cruz, Cesar Cedeno, and Luis Pujols, must have been a fun one to watch (these were taken two years before I was born; my brother was six months old). Here are a few of my favorites from the roll. As per usual, you can click to embiggen. All photos by my dad, Bill Burton, awesome person extraordinaire in more ways than 100:
Truth: this photo makes me all lump-throated.
David Appelman’s feet at any given moment.
This past weekend I had the pleasure of spending three days and two nights in the American desert with, like, 17 fellow FanGraphs writers. You learn a lot about people when you’re forced to share rooms with them, squeeze each other into a Ford Taurus, and watch Yoenis Cespedes profess his love for Castro by launching bombs into orbit together. The dignity-less Dayn Perry already told you everything you need to know about our dark overlord David Appelman, but here’s some amazing (and mostly true) facts about the rest of the staff…
Dave Cameron — Totally not above bringing up the whole cancer thing to get people to agree with him during an argument.
Michael Barr — Currently taking a break from his lucrative career as a Calvin Klein model to write about baseball.
Dayn Perry — Incapable of feeling shame, Dayn is eagerly awaiting the next time his wife says “I suppose we could.”
Can we learn anything from the mysterious ways of the universe?
Probably not.
But here are some anagrams of the names of a few of baseball’s top prospects that may be able to give us some insight into their future success or failure:
James Paxton, P, Mariners: Met, Sox, Japan
Randall Delgado, P, Braves: A Gnarled Old Lad
Julio Teheran, P, Braves: Injure To Heal
Devin Mesoraco, C, Reds: Manic Overdose
Jedd Gyorko, 3B, Padres: Joky Dodger
Yasmani Grandal, C, Padres: A Damning Salary
Jake Odorizzi, P, Royals: Rookie I’d Jazz
Xander Bogaerts, SS, Red Sox: A Sandbox Regret
(Thanks, Internet Anagram Server)
Baseballing great Ralph Kiner, as he does sometimes, joined the Mets television broadcast team yesterday for the club’s spring-training game against St. Louis.
During the bottom of third inning, the conversation turned to the 1961 1962 expansion Mets, for which Kiner was an announcer. Kiner shared a couple of anecdotes regarding that team’s manager, Casey Stengel — and, in particular, Stengel’s opinions on when a baseballer should and shouldn’t do his drinking.
Enjoy said wisdom in its rough, uncut version via the the audio player above.
The Tim Kurkjian Impression Contest has been, hands down, the best part of spring training. Next up, Milwaukee’s Tim Dillard:
Kurkjian’s reaction when Dillard showed up was just priceless. As for Dillard, that was good. Very good. Excellent use of ridiculously obscure stats; Dillard did his homework. I appreciate that. And the Nyjer Morgan impression as Kurkjian put it over the top. Needless to say, I was very impressed.
So, who ya got: Dillard or J.P. Arencibia? This one’s too close to call.
