From Newsday’s David Lennon:

Collins really raved about Duda today. One his most amazing traits? “He initiates conversation,” the manager said. #mets

— David Lennon (@DPLennon) February 27, 2012

Some of Lucas Duda’s other “amazing traits” that impress Terry Collins:

1. He swallows food.
2. He opens doors.
3. He ties his shoes.
4. He breathes.
5. He hasn’t killed anybody yet.
6. He showed up for Spring Training, even though he’s on the Mets.
7. He flushes the toilet.
8. He uses the right glove.
9. He doesn’t text in movie theaters.
10. He calls his parents.

Fred Wilpon, on the other hand, wishes Duda would just shut up already, because the conversations he keeps initiating are about Bernie Madoff.

Thanks to Carson for finding the Tweet.

It’s time for another installment of “Shorter Baseball Columnists,” in which we read mainstream baseball columnists and marginalized bloggers like Murray Chass so you don’t have to! Let us begin!

Shorter Steve Rosenbloom: This is why Adam Dunn struggled last season. Maybe. Or not. I don’t know, man.

Shorter Dan Shaughnessy: Get comfortable, lads, because this one is going to be about me.

Shorter Mike Lupica: Shame on Ryan Braun for making his failed drug test a public issue.

Shorter Murray Chass: Hold on to your funny bones because you can make a “twit” joke out of the word “Twitter,” which I hate. Twitter, I mean, not the joke I just made, which is gold.

Shorter Jim Souhan: Joe Mauer is a pussy.

Well, it’s not that I don’t want this watch because I don’t like the watch itself. I’m just saying, I have a ‘dope interchangeable’ Modify Watch of my own, and I like it better:

Say what you want about the pitcher and his persona, but his man-merkin can adorn my wrist any day. And when I want to go orange, I can. Somedays I feel whiter than usual. Because the timepiece comes with many different looks, I’m good.

Something about the waterproof wristband and the sleek, iconic face works for me.

Perhaps you’d like one with pinstripes?

To win this watch (and two alternate bands), you must satisfy only two rules:

1) You must mention Derek Jeter.
2) You must amuse me.

Now, considering that I am not necessarily a fan of the Yankees, you’d be right to focus on the second requirement. But, oh, don’t forget the first. And denigrate the subject too much and I might find you undeserving.

Walk that tightrope! Walk it!

This is a baseball with Ric Flair’s autograph on it:

This has been a baseball with Ric Flair’s autograph on it. This has also been your Daguerreotype of the Evening.

Because, at NotGraphs, we know what the public wants, we recently published in these pages a photo of former Giant and Pirate and Philly John Bowker holding an eel.

Because we continue to know what the public wants — i.e. images of baseball players interacting with marine life — we have embedded below these words a photo tweeted by Twins reliever Glen Perkins of Twins reliever Glen Perkins holding a shark.

Please believe me when I announce that, if this brings even one second of joy to just one reader, that my life — itself shrouded in meaninglessness — will be slightly less shrouded in meaninglessness.

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The 1986 Topps sets are full of strange images: poor lighting, bad angles, unsuspecting subjects, compromising poses, greasy faces. Often, the players appear steeped in the awkwardness of adolescence, and the photographers, equally awkward in their amateurishness, seem to have snapped off unconsidered shots with disposable cameras.

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FanGraphs Chat: Tuesday, February 31, 2032

FanGraphs — It’s another hazy day in the cloud of intergalactic debris, so let’s get chatting!

Hayden (NYC) — Best team in the (North) American League, right now?

FanGraphs — Gotta be the Rays, coming off six straight pennants. David Price still going strong at 47, and there is no better fan base in the game, now that much of the rest of the continent is uninhabitable. Rays all the way.

Tom (Pawnee) — How about that Prince Fielder signing?

FanGraphs — I know, who’d have thought he’d age this well? I think thirteen more years is a safe risk, with limb regeneration technology where it is right now. And, the veteran influence is only going to help those young aliens on the way. We may actually see a flag (aside from the Canadian one!) flying over Wrigley before the end of the contract.

Logan (Miami Island) — Jeff Mathis, first ballot Hall of Famer?

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When Bad Company announced through song that they, as a collective, were “ready for love,” the about-to-be-ravished were left to wonder: “What does a man who’s ready for love look like?” The answer, it turns out, is this:

Word on the streets of America and Hollywood is that Mr. Berkman’s tickler is faux. It matters not. The Ray-Ban Aviators are real, and the zests and vitalities behind the mustache are real. This reinforces an age-old dictum for us: one need not have a damn mustache in order to have a damn mustache.

A mustache is, ipso facto, hair astride American lips, but it is also knowing which responding officer to punch first. It is having sex in a hallway. It is using a coupon to buy a motorcycle. It is stashing pot in a gun.

Lance Berkman’s mustache is not real because it is too real.

(Image courtesy of my soon-to-be primary employer)

Of course it is the fantasy baseball season now.

So, what have you named YOUR team? Carson Cistulli recently mentioned the Second Fangraphs Writers Ottoneu league — here shortened to THE AWESOME LEAGUE — during his podcast with Dayn Perry (FanGraphs Audio: The Gainfully Employed Dayn Perry) and the topic of team names briefly surfaced in their 43 minutes of otherwise unredeemable radio ranting.

There are lots of great fantasy baseball team names out there, and because THE AWESOME LEAGUE (my league) is comprised (a) entirely of writers and (b) partly of NotGraphs writers, who are the beatnik poets of the FanGraphs staff, we NotGraphers have the burdensome task of out-awesoming our peers in the most shortest form of poetry — yes, the fantasy baseball team name.

But, as we are all writers and thereby unreliable, backstabbing, self-loathing types, we cannot be trusted judges of our own team names — it is obviously that mine is best, but still we should put it to a vote and find who is the obviously second and the obviously worstest.

So, dear NotGraphs rabble, speak your soul:

Though I don’t even have like permission to share these THE AWESOME LEAGUE team names, I think we should compel the lowest vote-getter (by, oh, let’s say Wednesday) to change their fantasy team name.

What should they change it too? (tell me in the comments)

Ozzie Guillen, provoking provocateur, prokoves via Joe Capozzi’s Twitter …

While I have no particular problem with Bed, Bath & Beyond — and in fact I once purchased a lovely dryer-vent brush from them — I would absolutely rather drink than be there. This is not a particularly distinguishing characteristic — after all, I would rather drink than be anywhere, save for a bar — but it is true.

So take that, cruel world.