I bought this book of National League logo cross-stitch patterns (featuring the Expos logo and the Astros’ dome logo!! So excited to embroider those on everything I own) in a fit of I-just-got-my-tax-return-back-ness the other night, but I have a lot of questions for this guy. Like,

1. Is there whiskey in that coke?
2. Did you make the Phillies hat, Dodgers polo, Mets’ ashtray (?), and Giants’ baseball-stuff-holder-for-the-wall, or did your wife make them all and give them to you? If the former, cool. Really. If the latter, how come she’s not in the picture, huh?
3. How did you come to be a fan of all of those teams?
4. Where did you get those jeans?
5. Can I have some popcorn?
6. How about that butterscotch, grandma?
7. Did you feel like you looked silly in that hat, and that’s why you’re not wearing it? I can relate to that. I always buy hats but I think I look dumb in them. Regardless, it’s a cool hat. It reminds me of my softball team when I was eight because we were the Phillies and our outfits were maroon.
8. What were you about to say?
9. Isn’t that actually a softball back there? Really, dude?
10. Where do you get your hair cut?

If anyone can track this guy down and ask him these questions for me, I will sew the logo of their favorite NL team onto anything they own.

Analysts will tell you that Glenn Braggs was a decent, if not particularly great, ballplayer, worth 7.7 WAR over 2609 major-league plate appearances. Scouts — like, if you went back to 1983 or whatever — scouts would tell you that they thought highly of Braggs’ tools and physique. The present author would speak highly of Braggs’ coiffure and note that, while one wouldn’t necessarily set one’s watch to such a haircut, one could certainly admire it as a product of design and industry.

All of us, however, would be forced to agree that, Glenn Braggs broke an effing bat across his own muscled back and then recounted the salient details of that episode for Mike Sola and Mike Sola’s mustache.

“Some Common Weaknesses Illustrated” by Mr. @cistulli is only $0.99 for the Kindle. It’d be rude not to buy it at that price.

— Craig Robinson (@flipflopflying) January 26, 2012

I’ve got to admit, it was pretty fantastic listening to a Britisher, the one and only Mr. Craig Robinson, talk about baseball, among other things, last week on FanGraphs Audio. That accent, man; gets me every time. Although, I will say, it pained me deeply to learn that the legend behind Flip Flop Fly Ball, the man who’s led me — led all of us — on numerous baseball infographic adventures, is a New York Yankeees supporter. The horror.

Anyway, after listening to Mr. Robinson wax poetic about baseball, Mexico City, and the remix of R. Kelly’s “Feelin’ On Your Booty,” I came across his tweet, embedded above, about the works of NotGraphs’s Supreme Leader, Carson Cistulli. As a Canadian, and therefore the definitive opposite of “rude,” I felt it was my patriotic duty to buy “Some Common Weaknesses Illustrated.” I mean, the cover alone is worth the $0.99. (Or $1.03 Canadian.) And, let me tell you, the book didn’t disappoint. Cistulli is one of the greatest poets of our time; a real-life Rafael de la Ghetto, if I may.

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Observers of Twitter, home to Hot Sports Opinions, will be relieved that last night’s Jeff Passan-Old Hoss Radbourn contretemps have been resolved to the satisfaction of all vested parties. Admire the Glasnost:

The cockles, they’re heating up. Of course, one particular dry-gulcher is unimpressed:

This, a thousand times. I have long suspected that “Jeff Passan” is actually Blackguard Sinistero, that scoundrel of low breeding whose sole purpose is to steal the merchant’s jewels, the vicar’s standing and the duchess’s maidenhood.

In which images of the base-balling Reuschel brothers, Rick and Paul, are paired with befitting movie titles …

(Image courtesy of Timlandia)

Once, Glen Gorbous was included by the Cincinnati Redlegs in a trade to the Phillies for Smoky Burgess, the 29th best ML catcher of all time.

Once, in 1957, after his major league career was already over and while playing American Association ball in Omaha, Glen Gorbous threw a baseball 445 feet, 10 inches, which remains a record today.^[1]

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Dear NotGraphs,

Sincerely,
Concerned in Colorado

Dear Concerned,

Fortunately, you’ve touched on my two areas of fake expertise, fantasy baseball and the law. Let’s start with your keepers. First, I have to assume that Ryan Braun is off the table, given that you work for law enforcement. What kind of example would it set if prosecutors could own steroid scofflaws on their fantasy teams? I was afraid to even bid on Barry Bonds in fantasy auctions when I was in law school. Also, I’m almost certain I read recently that anyone who’s ever owned Ugueth Urbina is under house arrest until 2024. Okay, until they officially decide on Braun’s appeal, I guess he’s presumed innocent, but you know better than I do that no one who’s accused of anything is ever actually innocent. So he’s out.

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On the meat-strewn convention floor, everything is decided by a mere preponderance, which, by design, lends itself to social discord and raised fists in the streets of America, which, in turn, leads to an agitated police force, which, in turn, leads to slaughterous crackdowns, which in turn delights the ruling class. And so it is with the nomination hootenanny for “Stainless Steel Meat Hammer.” The piles of dead speak to the rigors of the process, though, being dead, they speak not at all.

Nonetheless the Maximum Culminating Exchequer — the Maximum Culminating Sexchequer — has vetted the list and culled it for the betterment of the State. You may select, at great personal peril, from the following 10 names. So who, expendable citizens, shall be nicknamed “Stainless Steel Meat Hammer”?

Thank you for exercising the franchise.

Literally zero people have ever asked me how they, too, might one day become a superstar of the baseball blogging community.

But for anyone who has ever even wondered it — like, just for second, while peeing in a disgusting men’s bathroom somewhere — the answer is this: make a Shepard Fairey-esque print inspired by the words from Boston Globe sportswriter Peter Abraham’s most recent tweet.

Yesterday, in these pages, I wrote about baseball’s rogue card set: 2010 Upper Deck. While interesting to me — and perhaps to, like, three readers — there are some decided gaps in my understanding of The Hobby. I asked Chris Harris of Stale Gum to help fill in said gaps, and he was nice enough to answer my dumb questions.

Q. Upper Deck released only Series 1, yes? Did they release ALL of Series 1? Baseball Card Pedia reports that Wave 2 wasn’t released. Is that different than Series 2?

Chris Harris: To answer your question: Yes and no. 2010 Upper Deck Series One Wave 2, was to have included all 600 cards of the regular Series One set PLUS an additional fifty cards (cards 601-650). It was then expected that UD would release Series Two later that year, but never did. The reasons why Wave 2 and Series Two were not released are explained in the BCP article. (I wrote it.)

Q. What sort of cards get distributed in Series 2 of a set usually? Is it the case that, if I buy a Series 2 pack, there will there be NO Series 1 cards?

CH: Generally, Series One is released before the season while Series Two around the All-Star break. 2012 Topps Series One, for example, is being issued this week. Series Two cards usually contain those players who changed teams in the off-season and rookies who made the opening day roster, as well as other players not included in Series One.

S1 packs will yield exclusively S1 cards, and S2 packs S2 cards.

Q. Are the 2010 UD cards likely to be more valuable than cards from other sets?

CH: Not necessarily.

Q. What’s the difference between a Retail and a Hobby box? How do I know which is which?

CH: Retail packs are sold at mass-market outlets (i.e. Target, Wal-Mart, and the like) and Hobby packs at baseball card shops. The base cards are the same, but the inserts are different and/or seeded at different rates. Usually the pack/box will have in small type either “HOBBY” or “RETAIL.”