Our ongoing quest, in the manner of a noble knight-errant, is to assign cool nicknames to players rather than indulge in the tired paradigm of assigning cool players nicknames. Before we launch the latest installment, however, a trip through our Hall of Honour, which, as you surely anticipated, is made entirely of fine Corinthian leather …

“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
“Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
“Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford

And the nickname now hanging perilously in the balance? It’s “Good, Round Friend”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

Near the end of Arnold Lobel’s “Owl At Home,” a timeless rumination on a sexless and epicene bachelor, the titular character refers to the moon as his “Good, Round Friend.” And so, on this fine day, the NotGraphs collective shall also refer to someone as “Good, Round Friend.” And this someone shall be a ballplayer.

This ballplayer should be rather large in frame and bearing and should also be an amiable and charming hail-fellow-well met. Or, at the least, he should impress you as such within the dreamscape of your fondest imaginings, since you will never meet him and he cares not a whit whether you live or are murdered with a shillelagh. So: portly and awesome. Like Falstaff. Not like a self-important tenor.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

Babe Ruth was fat and convivial. So he works. David Wells works, I suppose, particularly since, insofar as the qualities of a “Good, Round Friend” are concerned, a case of the gout is self-recommending. Terry Forster? Ray King? The healthy preponderance of all middle relievers?

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current major-league player should be nicknamed “Good, Round Friend”?

The convention floor, which is, appropriately enough, brimming with good, round friends, is open for nominations …

Our All-Ugly team continues, on to the position players (who, by the way, would lose in an ugly battle with the pitchers and coaches). (What’s up with that?) (Any pitchers out there want to stand up for their kind?)

And lest any of you agree with my wife that this is all in poor taste, let me remind you that I a) included myself on the team and b) recognize that all of these men are real-life humans with real feelings and that this is all in good fun. Even Chase Utley has his bad days and all that.

Without further caveats, our All-Ugly lineup:

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As you may have noticed, the World Series will not feature the New York Yankees. This is bad news, of course. If the Yankees make the World Series, then baseball has a competitive-balance problem. If the Yankees don’t make the World Series, however, then television executives will see their expensive and relaxing dinners reduced to being merely expensive and somewhat relaxing. And that’s the worst fate of all.

Also bad for the Republic is that a Yankee-less World Series can move an otherwise temperate and moderating gentleman to film himself screaming while driving down a darkened expressway. If you savor profanity, sound arguments and a buccaneering spirit, then please do enjoy …

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQsEQDO0r9Q&NR=1

Baseball, you just lost a fan — a fan who can appreciate fine Corinthian leather.

In the event that you neglected to fetch from the end of your driveway this morning your city’s widely circulated and totally infallible morning daily, please excuse me for informing you right now that the Milwaukee Brewers fell Sunday night to the St. Louis Cardinals in Game Six of the NLCS by a score of 12-6.

Following the elimination of Milwaukee, there was considerable discussion of the team’s defensive weaknesses. Although defense certainly appeared as though it would be an issue for the team entering the season, the Brewers actually finished around league average in terms both of defensive efficiency and UZR. The seven errors committed by Milwaukee between Games Five and Six of the NLCS, however, certainly played a part in the team’s dismissal from the postseason.

Curiously, the most notable defensive shortcoming of the night was the product neither of a misplayed grounder nor poor throw, but rather that most silent destroyer: ennui.

In the top of the third inning — with runners on second and third, two outs, and the Cardinals winning 7-4 — Tony LaRussa made the somewhat unorthodox decision to pinch hit for starting pitcher Edwin Jackson with Allen Craig. Brewer manager Ron Roenicke countered LaRussa by replacing left-hander Chris Narveson with LaTroy Hawkins. Despite falling behind 3-1, Hawkins managed to induce a weak-ish chopper up the middle.

What happened next is captured by the GIF’d footage you see below. Craig’s batted-ball makes its way up the middle and into center field, scoring David Freese and Yadier Molina from third and second base, respectively. While that sequence of events is all-too common, it’s difficult not to observe something curious about the play — namely that, even though the Craig’s grounder clearly makes its way through the infield on the shortstop side of the second-base bag, it’s second baseman Rickie Weeks who comes within, say, three or five feet of playing the ball (and perhaps preventing run No. 2 from scoring). Meanwhile, actual shortstop Yuniesky Betancourt is seen merely trotting towards the middle of the infield.

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If you’re a fan of Brad Neely, internet songwriter/cartoonist, you’re probably familiar with the video “George Washington.” If you’re not, it’s a video about George Washington, Washington, six-foot-eight, weighs a fucking ton. There’s more, of course, but you’ll just have to watch the video

The Texas Rangers have a manager whose last name is also Washington. And now Ron Washington also has a similarly styled song and cartoon accompaniment in his… well, I would call it honor, but it’s actually not respectful in the slightest. But I laughed really hard at it. So there’s that.

(Doff of the cocaine-stache to Luke Zimmerman on Twitter)

Loyal NotGraphs-reader, Nick, sends us this little nugget of a slice of a part of life. Above we have featured celebratory catcher Yadier Molina, fist-pumping his fist, pumped about the Cardinals’ first World Series appearance since 2006.

The majesty of the still-photo, though, is how it makes ever-saddened, cycle-hitting Mark Kotsay appear as though he is forlornly calling his shot.

But instead of some strange post-game called-shot, we in truth have pictured the near-exact moment, which had been inevitable to the men in the dugout for a few innings at this point, that ended 25 men’s seasons — began their TV-watching, golfing, and everything else winters — and extended the lights, interviews, and day jobs for the men wearing “Cardinals” on their shirts.

Maybe society is to blame.

In a highly unorthodox move, Detroit Tigers manager Jim Leyland announced during a press conference yesterday that he was shutting down ace Justin Verlander for the entirety of the off-season.

“With an arm like that, you don’t want to take any chances,” Leyland said.  “So, yeah, he’s done  for the off-season.  I don’t want him pitching, playing catch, signing autographs, giving interviews, going to see Reel Steel, baking anything, going out in public.  Really, all we’re gonna let him do in the next couple of months is to brush his teeth – with his left hand of course – and some light pool workouts.”

Later, he added: “You’re absolutely going to see Justin again.  Just not until opening day.”

Approached after the anouncement Leyland, characteristicaly enigmatic, kept repeating these three phrases – ‘no-brainer’, ‘slam dunk’, and ‘whiffle ball’ – before rolling back to Tiger headquarters on his motorized scooter.

It appears the wheels are already in motion as Verlander could not be reached or  found for comment.

“You think The Boston Globe told you the whole story, with Terry Francona’s drug addiction, Jon Lester’s fried chicken binge eating, and Theo Epstein turning a blind eye? You don’t know the half of it. The real story behind the Red Sox September collapse goes so much deeper. First, there’s the prostitution ring Jason Varitek was running from the dugout. Then there’s Dan Wheeler introducing a flesh-eating virus that devoured much of the bullpen. And you can’t forget David Ortiz, working with scientists to create secret clones of most of his teammates that were 40% less good at playing baseball than the real versions. There’s a closet in the bowels of the stadium where the real Carl Crawford and Daniel Bard are trapped, surviving only on the remains of Joey Gathright and Lars Anderson. And let’s not forget the distraction that Zombie Matt Albers created, trying to eat the other players.

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Let’s face it, reading a baseball site like FanGraphs (but not NotGraphs, of course!) is pretty nerdy. If you want to double down on being a baseball nerd, the best route is fantasy baseball. But what if you want to triple your nerdity?

To the Academy!

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Today we answer the most important question of the last 30 or so seconds — namely, “Which of the players in the Milwaukee Brewers lineup for Game Five of the 2011 NLCS — which of those players’ names appear in the Oxford English Dictionary?”

Answers below. You’re frigging welcome, thousand people who read this.

1. Hart, RF: Noun. The male of the deer, esp. of the red deer; a stag; spec. a male deer after its fifth year.
2. Hairston, 3B: N/A.
3. Braun, LF: Not in OED. But braunite is. Noun. An anhydrous oxide of manganese, a brittle dark brownish-black mineral occurring both crystallized and massive.
4. Fielder 1B: Noun. A person who or animal which works in a field. (Rare.)
5. Weeks, 2B: Not in OED. But it is a plural of week. Noun. The cycle of seven days, recognized in the calendar of the Jews and thence adopted in the calendars of Christian, Muslim, and various other peoples; a single period of this cycle, i.e. a space of seven successive days beginning with the day traditionally fixed as the first day of the week.
6. Betancourt, SS: N/A.
7. Gomez, CF: N/A.
8. Lucroy, C: Not in OED. But luctation is. Noun. Struggling, wrestling; an instance of this. (Obsolete.)
9. Greinke, P: N/A.