It was only a matter of time before this happened, really:

Dynamite, indeed.

H/T: SportingNews.

I know. I know. It’s confusing. Just stay with me. What you see on your computer screen is known as a “Lubie.” Which, apparently, means this:

o MLB Lubies are a break-through line of plush combining clean, charming designs with the irresistible, playable shape of a ball.
o Lubies are insanely cute, adorable softball size, super soft material, for ages 0+ and pure simple fun.

And of course the litany of information doesn’t end there. MLB inquires; did you ALSO know?

* Lubies are pronounced “LUH-BEES”
* Lubies are rated for ages 0+
* Lubies are safety tested and lead free
* Lubies are made from all new material and filled with polyester fiber; surface clean only
* Lubies are roughly the size of a softball, measuring 5″ in diameter
* Lubies come with a little “Did You Know” fact
* Lubies can double as safe, soft and squeezable plush balls – fun for tossing

And of course, the least surprising thing to ever happen ever:

Country Of Origin : China

To be fair to MLB and Lubies and whoever else is responsible for whatever… that… is, the White Sox Lubie shown above is the most disturbingly depressed looking of the entire collection. Most of them look downright happy or even friendly. Which, now that I think of it, might actually be scarier. But nothing is scarier than the fact that this is an Actual Thing, the horror of which words can hardly describe.

For only the 68th time in his illustrious career, and only the ninth time since 2008, Mariano Rivera, 41, blew a save.

Alex Rodriguez, like the rest of the baseball world, can’t believe it. A-Rod’s nothing short of flummoxed.

Getty Image, yo, via daylife.

Internet sources tell me — and anyone else who clicks on this link — that a robot, whose prevailing intentions for humankind have yet to be revealed, threw out the ceremonial first pitch at tonight’s Brewers-Phillies tilt. The gritty, which is also nitty:

The robot is the brainchild of Jordan Brindza and Jamie Gewirtz, two students who built the robot in their spare time. The Inquirer reported that in addition to a robotic arm, a “wrist”-like joint also helps flip the ball toward the plate. The framework is a Segway, meaning that the Philliebot can theoretically move – although it’s doubtful that the Philliebot can field its position.

My question, page viewers: Did anyone see the first pitch? Impressions? Pitch F/X data? Suspicions that the Pitch F/X robot is pumping up the numbers in a show of robo-tribalism?

Mostly, though: How many onlookers were slaughtered?

UPDATE: Savvy commenter John K. observes that today is, in point of fact, Tuesday and not Wednesday, when the Philliebot will unleash his awful and boundless powers. This strikes me as a reasonable observation.

How many words is this picture of word’s worth?

Courtesy of @MLBTransactions and the elderly R.J. Anderson’s watchful eye.

For years now, the exact identity of former FanGraphs contributor (now of mortal enemy Baseball Prospectus) R.J. Anderson has been a subject of no little speculation.

Was he a 13-year-old boy, as some suspected? Was he a cyborg created by other FanGraphs writer Dave Allen? Was he both the father and son of Rays VP Andrew Friedman?

Thanks to DRaysBay and RotoGraphs contributor Erik Hahmann, however, the mystery of R.J. Anderson’s true self has been demystified. Hahmann recently attended a Rays game with Jonah Keri and some other stone-cold nerds — including Anderson himself.

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Yeah, Brian Wilson’s two-seamer (featured below!) is impressive enough, and I can forgive his reluctance to brawl with randomly outraged A’s fans. What I shall not abide is if Mr. Wilson and his face-forest duck out on this:

The Second Annual $5000 Beard Team USA National Beard and Moustache Championships will take place on October 8, 2011 at the Clipper Magazine Stadium, in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

That’s right, Wilson: The Second Annual $5000 Beard Team USA National Beard and Moustache Championships. You know it’s serious because “Beard” is mentioned twice. You know it’s for the discriminating gentleman because “Moustache” is spelled with an “ou,” which is, of course, the preferred spelling of the hardy and right-wise.

Oh sure, it’s possible Mr. Wilson’s team will have something of the postseason-ish flavoring scheduled for October 8, but I see no reason he can’t take a cue from baseball legend Deion Sanders and be hustled by giant flying machine from one event to the other.

Wilson, your beard may be baseball’s best (at least now that Bo Diaz is no longer with us), but can it stack up with the likes of Devin Cara, who is pictured above and surely pleases the crumbled bones of Aaron Burr?

So, Wilson, is that a beard on your mug or a gathering of tiny, hairlike cowards? We’ll find out on October 8.

Swing, miss, get hit in the butt.

Brian Wilson threw this pitch.

It started in the strike zone, going, oh, about 95 miles per hour, and ended up in the dirt behind Jamey Carroll. Strike three.

Is this fair?

Strange thing, though, even though Wilson has talked about adding the pitch, he’s not throwing it a ton. At least, not enough to show up on either pitch f/x classification system on this site. In fact, it doesn’t show up on most classification systems.

They can be forgiven – Wilson’s regular fastball does move a lot anyway. Take a look at Joe Lefkowitz’s Pitch f/x tool and it says that Wilson threw nine fastballs and five sliders that evening. But those fastballs weren’t all created equal. Check out the the fastballs that showed the most movement, those last two blue dots on the left. Those fastballs moved 11 inches horizontally. He threw three fastballs that also moved about 11 inches vertically. His average fastball has been moving about six inches horizontally and seven vertically, so we’re zooming in on that filthy, filthy pitch now. He might have thrown as much as three of them that evening.

One final picture to help bring this home. You see that blue box on the bottom right corner of this strike zone plot? That’s the pitch, at least where it crossed the plate.

To recap:
1) The pitch moved double digits vertically and horizontally.
2) The pitch left his hand at about 95 MPH.
3) The pitch started in the strike zone, belt-high, middle-ish.
4) The pitch crossed the plate at the very bottom, very inside corner of the strikezone.
5) The pitch ended up behind the batter, about knee-level.

That’s gotta go on some leaderboard as one of the filthiest pitches ever.

H/T: Grant at McCovey Chronicles

As police-scanner enthusiasts of greater Cincinnati already know, Reds hurler Mike Leake was escorted to the hoosegow for (allegedly!) swiping a few t-shirts from Macy’s. The dirty:

Loss prevention employees at the Macy’s Downtown store called police after they said Leake removed security tags from six American Rag T-shirts, valued at $59.88, and walked out of the store without paying for them. The incident was captured by store security cameras, police documents state.

Obviously, we’re going to need to make some guesses as to which T-shirts Mr. Leake was compelled to swindle. All we have to go on is Mr. Leake’s age; his appearance in the above mugshot, which is a look that is widely known as the “Stinky Bassist”; and the full menu of American Rag t-shirts available at Macy’s.

Fortunately, the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has within its ranks a number of thieves, so these guesses come with the vague hint of authority. So which six American Rag shirts could Mr. Leake not resist?

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While it was Prometheus who gave blind hope to all humankind, it’s MLB.com’s Brian McTaggart who has most recently re-gifted it (i.e. blind hope) — this time, in the form of an article which suggests the Astros aren’t terrible.

That’s not to criticize McTaggart himself, of course. He’s the beat reporter for the Astros and is doing his job when he quotes GM Ed Wade saying something like, “I think we’re going to be OK in a lot of different areas” and “I still think we’ve got the components to be a really solid ballclub” and “No, I’m not naked. I’m just wearing a suit of clothes that’re invisible to those unfit for their positions, stupid, or incompetent.”