Yasiel Puig Is Not on My All Star Ballot :(

Editor’s Note: the author of this post originally misspelled Puig’s first name as Yasail as part of his unceasing campaign against his own and also the site’s credibility.

I can’t believe you keep spelling my name wrong, man.

It’s true, Yasiel Puig is nowhere to be found on my All Star ballot. I’m trying as much not to be miffed about that as I am trying to follow Internet Superstar and world champion non-blinker Dave Cameron’s advice to include Yasiel Puig’s name in the title, and preferably the body of any post on the ___Graphs family of premium websites, even though the article in question may (and in this case does, in fact) have nothing to do with Yasiel Puig. Integrity be damned. I’ll play it the company way. Wherever the company puts me, there I’ll stay.

Anyway, I went to the Phillies-Brewers tilt last Saturday with three Phillies phans, because I apparently have a death wish of some sort. I met them before the game at a bar in Milwaukee at 3:00 in the afternoon. They had been there since 11:00. Two of the Phillies phaithful in question were greatly enjoying their brews, but in a greatly responsible manner. The third was already the kind of drunk that confuses “loud” with “charming.” The omens were good for the evening’s merriment.

Later, at the game itself, he proceeded to make a harmless nuisance of himself to the various Brewers fans in attendance in a way that was simultaneously hilarious to me and deeply embarrassing. I can’t say I didn’t encourage him once or twice. I can’t say I didn’t howl with laughter at others. And I can’t say that I didn’t take extra trips to the men’s room and concession stands to escape him on occasion.

When they passed out the All Star ballots, I took the opportunity to distract him, handing him mine and a pencil and encouraging him to phill out the ballot in my name. This, friends, is that ballot, filled out by one of the more harmlessly intoxicated fans I have ever come across. The only ballot I will be submitting for the 2013 All Stars, because democracy is often dumb and I won’t participate in this pharce:

My new phriend has committed me to vote for Justin Smoak, Gordon Beckham, Derek Jeter, AJ Pierzynski, Luke Scott, Josh Hamilton, Colby Rasmus, and Mark Trumbo. Also, we have a hanging chad-type situation where my intoxicated comrade obliterated two of the holes in his attempt to vote for either Adrian Beltre or Jeff Keppinger. MLB will be phorced to make that determination or throw out my ballot altogether. Good luck figuring that out.

And on the NL side of things, Corey Hart, Danny Espinosa, Jimmy Rollins, David Wright, Carlos Gomez, Jayson Werth, and Delmon Young. Congratulations, MLB, when you let any drunk Phillies phsupporter phill out an All Star ballot, this is the kind of shit you’re going to get.

Which reminds me, I think I need to get Cistulli to create a “Democracy is terrible” category for this site.