Which T-Shirts Did Mike Leake Steal?

As police-scanner enthusiasts of greater Cincinnati already know, Reds hurler Mike Leake was escorted to the hoosegow for (allegedly!) swiping a few t-shirts from Macy’s. The dirty:

Loss prevention employees at the Macy’s Downtown store called police after they said Leake removed security tags from six American Rag T-shirts, valued at $59.88, and walked out of the store without paying for them. The incident was captured by store security cameras, police documents state.

Obviously, we’re going to need to make some guesses as to which T-shirts Mr. Leake was compelled to swindle. All we have to go on is Mr. Leake’s age; his appearance in the above mugshot, which is a look that is widely known as the “Stinky Bassist”; and the full menu of American Rag t-shirts available at Macy’s.

Fortunately, the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has within its ranks a number of thieves, so these guesses come with the vague hint of authority. So which six American Rag shirts could Mr. Leake not resist?

This is a t-shirt that reminds us that, yes, falcons have grandparents.

This one is a call to action. It pleads: For God’s sake, will some prog-rock band release an album titled, “Rise of the Ghost Birds”? This can be your cover art.

This is a rendering of what actually happens when doves cry.

This one is also about falcons and their grandparents.

This one is a rather scathing critique of the electoral college.

This one is for going to weddings, christenings and Señor Frog’s.

Because of the quality of the fashion-forward textiles above, I’m sure we can agree that some crimes are understandable and even morally imperative. What Leake did is not unlike stealing a rich man’s loaf of bread and giving it to a starving, shivering child.