Which Player Is Which Greek God?

Sometimes inspiration comes over the author like the strong but tender hands of a Belarusian massage therapist named Miroslav or Milorad or Mirobad or something else beginning with M. Other times, inspiration strikes violently, not unlike in our friend Garth Algar’s encounter with Dream Woman, Donna Dixon (skillfully GIF’d and embedded above).

In the case of the present post, the author’s experience has been one firmly in the latter camp. The idea? Composing a pantheon of sorts for the joueurs of bat-and-ball.

Below is a brief list of the most notable Greek gods (with a full list available here, courtesy Wikipedia). Which current player is MLB’s Zeus, do you think? Which’n is Dionysos, god of wine and doing it?

They’re important questions, reader. And your answers are important, too.

God/dess: Aphrodite
Associated With: Love and beauty
Defining Acts: Offered Helen of Troy to Paris. Saved Paris from dying at hands of Menelaus. Both lover and surrogate mother to Adonis — which, somehow that’s okay.

God/dess: Apollo
Associated With: Music, healing, plague, prophecies, poetry, and archery
Defining Acts: Shot arrows infected with plague into Greek encampment during Trojan War. Aided Paris in killing of Achilles by guiding arrow of his bow into Achilles’ heel.

God/dess: Athena
Associated With: Wisdom, warfare, battle strategy, heroic endeavour, handicrafts and reason.
Defining Acts: Born not out of lady’s vagina but Zeus’s head, fully grown and armed, with a shout. Fought in Trojan war on side of Achaeans (Greeks). Perpetual virgin.

God/dess: Dionysos
Associated With: Wine, parties and festivals, madness, civilization, drunkenness and pleasure
Defining Acts: In The Bacchae, forces Agave and other women of Thebes to (a) mistake Agave’s son Pentheus for a wild animal and (b) brutally tear his limbs off as he begs for his life. Was exceptionally attractive.

God/dess: Zeus
Associated With: Sky, weather, thunder, storms, law, order, and fate. Also, king of the gods, ruler of Mount Olympus.
Defining Acts: Led Olympic gods to victory in battle over older Titan gods. Famous for taking form of swan and raping Leda. Known for his erotic escapades, generally.

All images stolen shamelessly from internet.