Unpacking MLB’s Recent Vine

Vine, for those of you who don’t waste your lives entirely, is the latest way phones and social media have ruined everything. In this case, they’ve ruined videos and/or all of visual storytelling by reducing it to six looped seconds of whatever regular people deem important enough to record, which is universally bullshit. A Vine is a GIF, but loud and shameful and horrible.

Billions of people have Vine, though, even Major League Baseball:

These appear to be my friend options for this postseason. Hilarious how MLB thinks I have friends! Theoretically, though, who would I bring to [what I think is] Great American Ballpark?

Fancy Bandana Suitball
Pros:
– Ambulatory. Helpful for getting me beer during game while I remain sitting/prone.
– Can tie bowtie but does not have hands. Magic?
– Access to red carpet. Useful for avoiding urine puddles in bathroom.
– Has blue tail? Or flopping overalls. Unclear. Possibly secretly a hillbilly.

Cons:
– Bare midriff.
– Cannot view spectacle (does not have eyes).
– Boring pocket square.
– Hitler-esque combover.

Dirty Astronaut
Pros:
– Owns spaceship.
– Cannot start the wave (does not have arms).
– Responsibly descends onto landing pads. (Pro?)

Cons:
– Dirty.
– Believes that plastic cup worn as helmet might be effective protection against traumatic brain injury.
– Probably an annoying person due to apparent Red Bull fixation.

Ebullient Anthropomorphic Hashtag
Pros:
– Actually possesses tickets to postseason baseball.

Cons:
– Eyes extremely large relative to body.
– Is total dick to possibly handicapped friends by forcefully butt-nudging them and blocking them from video camera.
– Wearing either Rangers or Cubs hat (backwards!) to Reds game. Probably unbearable troll.

These are terrible, terrible friends. I’d rather bring the man who applies authentication stickers to All-Star Game jerseys:

At least he’s not ebullient.