True Facts: Five Unmade Baseball Commercials

Recently, over at Beyond the Boxscore, master Dave Gershman submitted (with skillfully embedded video) what he considered to be the top-10 baseball commercials of all time. While “all time” might signify an instance of waxing hyperbolic, the post is still recommended for anyone who likes (a) watching things and/or (b) avoiding other, more pressing responsibilities.

Constantly aware that there’s no gain in the absence of pain, our Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has endeavored to provide an addendum of sorts to Mr. Gershman’s list — namely, a collection of the five best baseball commercials never to’ve been made. The ideas, of course, are authentic; it’s just, for one reason or another, they proved unsuitable for America’s virgin eyes (and virgin other parts, presumably).

Here are those five commercial ideas, with the relevant synopses and reasons for never seeing the air.

Advertisement: “We I.D.” PSA with Craig Counsell
Synopsis: Counsell attempts to enter a Milwaukee-area bar with some Brewer teammates. While everyone else shows ID, Counsell realizes he’s forgotten his driver’s license. The bouncer, accordingly, refuses to let him in. Incredulous, Counsell walks away… and returns second later with a hastily made shiv, which he then uses to slowly and graphically eviscerate the aforementioned bouncer. When life’s last breath has left the victim’s mouth, the narrator says coldly, “This could have been avoided.”
Didn’t Run Because: Totally nauseating and scary.

Advertisement: “St. Ides Malt Liquor” with Jimmy Rollins
Synopsis: The idea for this, pitched right after the Philadelphia Phillies’ World Series victory of 2008, was actually just to do a shot-for-shot remake of the already notable St. Ides commerical with Ice Cube, except to — when Cube* says “make your jimmy thicker” — to insert a brief clip of Rollins flexing his muscles or something.
Didn’t Run Because: Probably not ultimately great for Rollins’ public image.

*That’s what I call him, just “Cube.”

Advertisement: Undetermined with Ichiro Suzuki
Synopsis: Ichiro wakes up one morning to find that his right arm has been replaced by an actual laser. Stranger yet, no one seems to notice — not even his own loving mother, whose delicious shabu-shabu he’s still able to eat but no longer capable of enjoying.
Didn’t Run Because: No actual product being advertised, turns out.

Advertisement: “This Is SportCenter” with Phillie Phanatic and Wally the Monster
Synopsis: The two mascots walk hand-in-hand by a brook on the ESPN campus in Bristol, CT. The Phanatic picks a flower for Wally; Wally returns the gesture by kissing the Phanatic.
Didn’t Run Because: Too edgy for ESPN. Is the couple interracial? same-sex? interspecial, even?

Advertisement: Undetermined
Synopsis: Various synopses, actually. The idea was to just make a bunch of commercials based on Ozzie Guillen’s dream journals.
Didn’t Run Because: Actually, one did. That Old Spice commercial with the centaur? Ozzie Guillen wrote that whole thing — with his eyes literally closed.