Toward a Better Kurt Suzuki

The Internet teaches us that A’s catcher Kurt Suzuki is attempting to gain weight this offseason by shoving down his gullet at least 4,000 calories each day. As Aaron pithily notes, Suzuki is being a crashing bore about the whole thing by choking down things like smoothies and turkey burgers. Clearly, Mr. Suzuki, in his bid to become larger and more in charger, needs some help.

So, in the interest of making Mr. Suzuki a more compelling Leisured Gentleman, we present these alternative routes to consuming four score and 3,920 calories in a day:

• – 34.5 Bud Light Limes (Bud Lights Lime?).
• – 61.5 shots of vodka.
• – Unlimited portions of intravenously applied Angel Dust/PCP, which might also help the hoisting gentleman in the gymnasium.
• – 2.2 pounds of deboned human flesh. To this end, some helpful Internet hotlinks!
• – By extension and in the service of a logical end-game, 2.2 pounds of deboned Nancy Grace cutlets.
• – 133.3 ladles-full of Old Country Buffet’s rabies-free chicken gravy.
• – 1.6 cans of snuff tobacco.
• – 33.3 tablespoons of motor oil vinaigrette.

So, Mr. Suzuki, as you can see there’s really no cause to soldier on with banalities like “vegetables” and “meats not likely to lead to a CDC-declared Hot Zone encircling the blast field.”