Top New Friend Prospects (2013)

friend bears

This post is weird.

1. Fellow Writer I Met On the Internet

Age Gender Height Weight Eats Spd Dpth OTP HLP WARF
28 M 5′ 10″ 165 R 60 30 0.348 0.435 1.5

Fellow Writer I Met on the Internet is my top new friend prospect for 2013. Despite a low on-time percentage (OTP), he has a strong willingness to help with annoying errands (HLP) and easy-to-accommodate regular (R) eating habits. He scores very highly on e-mail response speed, averaging just under 60 minutes. Though he shows a low conversational depth score (30 on the 20-80 scale), the hope is that this will further develop as he grows more and more comfortable in the friendship. Putting it all together, he is a solid 1.5 Wins Above Replacement Friend (WARF), and looks to be a loyal and worthwhile addition to the 2013 lineup.

2. Husband of My Wife’s Co-worker

Age Gender Height Weight Eats Spd Dpth OTP HLP WARF
33 M 5′ 9″ 180 V 4d 70 0.825 0.095 1.2

Husband of My Wife’s Co-worker is my #2 friend prospect for 2013. With an exceedingly high OTP, he shows great promise as I enter the year seeking more people I can reliably do stuff with. However, his HLP is below replacement level (refuses to return a drive-to-the-airport favor), and his e-mail response speed is slow enough to be measured in days, and often inconsistent. Nevertheless, the exceptional depth of conversation he offers makes up for the vegan food restrictions, and he winds up coming in at a respectable 1.2 WARF.

3. Mother-In-Law

Age Gender Height Weight Eats Spd Dpth OTP HLP WARF
65 F 5′ 2″ N/A R N/A 65 1.000 1.000 1.1

Due to some off-season moves, leaving the potential-friend farm system fairly barren, my Mother-In-Law is my #3 potential friend prospect for 2013. Her flexible schedule and feelings of familial obligation make her score off-the-charts in both HLP and OTP, and her life experience and general inquisitiveness give her a very high conversational depth score. However, her lack of ability to use e-mail is a real handicap, thus bringing her WARF score down to 1.1. Unfortunately, she has probably passed the peak of her friendship potential at this point in her long career.

Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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Dan Rozenson
11 years ago

Uh, can you characterize what a “win” above replacement is here?