Things We Now Know about Kenny Williams

If you prefer your news to be five days old, then you’ll be gobsmacked to learn that White Sox GM Kenny Williams had his posh Chicago townhouse robbed and violated recently. This of course sounds like bad news, but thanks to the efforts of a certain plucky urchin we’ve learned a few things about Mr. Williams. To damn wit:

• Mr. Kenny Williams drinks beer.
• Mr. Kenny Williams enjoys the occasional lobster dinner, and, yes, you may box that up for him.
• Mr. Kenny Williams owns a fur.
• Mr. Kenny Williams drives a Cadillac.
• Mr. Kenny Williams owns a fur and drives a Cadillac.
• Mr. Kenny Williams will wear a championship ring even if it has recently been worn by a smelly hobo.
• Mr. Kenny Williams does not have a record of “sexual abuse charges dating to the 1980s,” but SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN IN HIS HOUSE DOES.

The great Bill Veeck had a habit of referring to front-office execs as “operators.” In light of this and those, you may now regard Mr. Kenny Williams as a “smooth operator.”