Things That Are Free at Tonight’s Minnesota Twins Game

FREE hot chocolate and coffee for fans at tonight’s game!!!

— Minnesota Twins (@Twins) April 12, 2013

As the tweet embedded here suggests, the Minnesota Twins — owing to the frigid weather hovering above their home ballpark — will be giving away free coffee and hot chocolate to attendees at tonight’s game versus the New York Mets.

What that same tweet neglects to note, however, are some other things that (a) are free, and which might (b) also appeal to ticketholders for this evening’s contest.

Like these three things, for example:

North–Central American English
Are you a professional linguist? Have you ever referred to yourself, in passing, as an “Armchair phonologist”? Are you interested in studying an /oʊ/ sound that is sometimes monophthongal and sometimes features a lengthening from [o] to [o:]? If that’s the case, consider attending tonight’s Minnesota Twins game, where the North–Central American English dialect will be ubiquitous — and free of charge.

Lutherans
It’s easy, in many regions of this country, to walk the streets of one’s own city for a lifetime without ever making the acquaintance of a single Lutheran person. Such a thing is impossible to do in Minneapolis, however. Perhaps you’re curious about Martin Luther’s 95 Theses, or the theological virtues of grace (as opposed to works). Basically everyone at Target Field tonight will have at least a passing knowledge of those topics — and others central to the Lutheran experience.

Chilblains
Chilblains is a medical condition affecting (primarily, if not exclusively) the toes that’s caused by repeated exposure to cold. The author concedes that, in itself, the description isn’t a rousing endorsement. More charming is this: literally every English-language novel before the 20th century cites chilblains at some point or another. To suffer from chilblains, therefore, is to participate in the Western literary tradition. Conversely, not to suffer from chilblains at least once is to reject literacy and science and The Good.