The Ultimate Team USA

Sources tell me that soon, quite soon, Team USA will start playing games in the World Baseball Classic. This is all fine and dandy, but look at the projected “roster” for this “Team USA.”

No disrespect to manager Joe Torre, but he lacks foresight. This is Team USA. Why burden yourself with filling it with simple baseball players? Mr. Torre needs to make a statement, here. Team USA can be so much more than a simple list of the best players that agreed to play/were allowed to play by their respective MLB teams. Our country is in turmoil. We need to bring America back to its original glory. We need to shine this turd to resemble the great nation of times gone by. America needs a facelift. And a boob job. And certainly a tummy tuck. It starts with the WBC roster. It ends with unadulterated imperialism.

Allow me to punch this up a bit.

1. George Washington, C

2. Henry Ford, CF

3. Ernest Hemingway, 3B

4. George Patton, DH

5. Giancarlo Stanton, RF

6. Ted Nugent, 1B

7. Al Capone, LF

8. Thomas Edison, SS

9. John D. Rockefeller, 2B

THAT. That is an American roster. That is a roster that will propel this nation back to what it once was. Captains of Industry, former leaders, musicians, writers, inventors, professional skullbashers. Two live people and a bunch of corpses. I can smell that trophy already.

U-S-A! U-S-A!