The Feast of Rusty Staub, Grand Orange

Today’s feast day requires no money down and even less commitment.

Life: While never expressly a superstar, Daniel Joseph “Rusty” Staub was a consistently above-average player for the better part of his 23 seasons in the majors, slashing .279/.362/.431 (122 wRC+) for his career and posting a 56.6 WAR. Staub had the distinction of spending his early years with not one, but two, expansion teams — joining the Houston Colt .45’s, as a 19-year-old, in their second year of existence, and then the Montreal Expos in their inaugural season. Though generally liked wherever he went, it was by Expo fans that he was truly embraced. Dubbed “Le Grand Orange,” Staub made no little effort to learn the French language with some depth. His number 10 was retired by the Montreal Expos in 1993.

Spiritual Exercise: As you watch baseball games this season, mentally note all of the instances in which a broadcaster says of an ex-player “there’s not a nicer guy in baseball” or “he’s the nicest guy.” Ask yourself: “Is that guy talking about Rusty Staub?” If no, then he (i.e. that broadcaster guy) is very possibly lying.

A Prayer for Rusty Staub

French, the Rusty Way
is the easiet way to learn
what has been called by dignitaries
and assorted neighbor children,
“the hardest language to speak
while drinking milk.”

Visiting Paris
and need to talk filthy
about Edith Piaf?

French, the Rusty Way!

Someone gazing lustily
at your brand new
croque-monsieur?

French, the Rusty Way!

Just woke up in North Africa
entirely sans pants?!?

French, the Rusty Way!

French, the Rusty Way
is conceptually perfect
and bigger than all of us.
It’s effective as hell
but makes some guys
ambidextrous on accident.

Buy French, the Rusty Way
this instant and raise
your confidence by fifty!

Buy French, the Rusty Way
and divide all your sorrows
by zero!