The Feast of Brian Jordan, Run Saver

Like the better films of Woody Allen and/or a gun that shoots knives, today’s feast day is aimed simultaneously at the heart and the head.

Life: Along with Bo Jackson and Deion Sanders, Brian Jordan was a notable two-sport athlete of the late 20th century. Unlike Jackson and Sanders, however, Jordan’s major league career was both long and successful. Over 15 years, he slashed .282/.333/.455 (105 wRC+), with his best years coming in St. Louis and Atlanta. More notable, though, are Jordan’s fielding exploits: per TotalZone, Jordan ranks 26th all time with 148.0 runs saved above average. All told, Jordan accumulated a 33.3 WAR for his career — or about four wins for every 650 plate appearances.

Spiritual Exercise: Do with your soul what Brian Jordan is doing with his entire body in the image below. Repeat until excellent.

Brian Jordan!

In your cameo appearance on daytime drama The Young and the Restless you played a sensitive urban police chief who, looking out over a city full of ceaseless toil and pain, weeps a lone, plaintive tear.

During your slightly longer appearance in the right fields of baseball’s National League, you saved more runs than almost any player ever — never once crying, so far as anyone knows.

Now, you’ve been given the role of a lifetime — as the subject of a feast in a canon of fake saints! The distinction, you’ll admit, is impressive. A piece of advice, though: don’t just rest on your laurels. Being merely a wreath fashioned from a shrub of the same name, they’d be crushed under the weight of someone your size.