The Big Puma and a Hill of Beans

As an Astros fan, this is the most depressing world series scenario imaginable for me. On one hand, the St. Louis Cardinals: our greatest division rivals, who have already won the second-most World Series titles in history. Everyone hates a winner, right? On the other hand, the Texas Rangers: potentially the first Texas team to win the World Series, a title the Astros obviously covet, and by no objective but by every personal measure deserve. Not to mention that I live in Austin, where the bandwagon is overcrowded with Rangers caps where there once were just ironic mullets and burnt orange.

I’ve come to the inevitable conclusion: instead of watching the World Series, I will commit seppuku.

No, I’ve decided that I’m going to root for Lance Berkman. Not for his team, though I suppose I will be happy for the Cardinals to win as long as every single one of their runs are solo homers by this guy:

Back in January, Berkman was criticized for saying what we were all thinking about how the Rangers weren’t going to be nearly as good without Cliff Lee, and that some of their starting pitching success in 2010 seemed a bit flukey. C.J. Wilson got really bent about it and said some mean things about Berkman being washed up. They were both wrong and bygones are just that, so they played nice and made up at the All Star Game when Berkman wrote Wilson an apology note and stuck it on his locker. Slash fan fic authors, there’s your prompt. This is great for them and all, but I think the WS would be a lot more exciting if they still hated each other.

Berkman made those comments right after it was just been announced that he was to be a Cardinal, when he was making an appearance on the John & Lance show on 1560: The Zone in Houston. John & Lance & Lance are old friends by now — he appeared on the show very regularly back when he was an Astro. In fact, it was on the show many years ago that Berkman gave himself the “Big Puma” nickname. He was previously referred to as “Fat Elvis” so maybe you can understand why he was granted an exception to the rules about nicknaming yourself. Plus, his choice begat my favorite Minute Maid Park tradition: a group of awesome dude bros and ladies dressed up in feline costumes for every Astros home game, calling themselves the Little Pumas. LITTLE PUMAS, y’all. That was the best thing ever.

You can listen to the appearance from January in it’s entirety here, which I highly recommend because Lance Berkman is hilarious and adorable, and he speaks incredibly frankly with these dudes about everything they ask him about (hence the Rangers comment). But in case you don’t have two hours for Berkman today, highlights:

Right off the bat, Berkman says being a Yankee is overrated, and that he was underwhelmed by the lack of intensity and the corporate culture at Yankee Stadium. He also claims that Alex Rodriguez pays someone to make sure his belt is in his pants. Then he claims Houston had no interest in taking him back when he came back from the Yankees, and implies he would have done it for the 3 million they paid Bill Hall. Astros fans cried out twice, a cry that was no more than a breath — “The horror! The horror!” He preaches some fat pride (after saying he would take Carlos Lee over Jayson Werth for his OF): “If you hit 35 or 40 homers, you can be as fat as you want to be!” They ask him about Pujols, and he says that if he has 3-4 more consistent years he will probably be “the best hitter in the history of the game.” Then he goes on with a truck load of nice things about St. Louis like “they receive the same adoration that players do in New York or Boston, without the jerks.”

When discussing batting order, he comes out with: “I don’t think it makes a hill of beans worth of difference to an individual player who hits behind him.” Someone hire this guy for Fangraphs! Right after that, he says he would vote for Barry Bonds to go into the Hall of Fame because Bonds was a HOF caliber player without steroids, and then he makes the point that if you were to exclude people based on cheating or other moral shortcomings, three quarters of the people in the Hall wouldn’t be there. Lance Berkman, everyone! [CLAPS] Then he makes up for all those nice things he said about StL in one perfect moment by saying what I want to hear “I’ll always consider myself a Houston Astro.” He says a bunch of nice things about Bagwell, and then he says that Carlos Beltran is the fastest player on the base paths that he’s every played with. Biggio? “If he’s not a first ballot hall of famer than every sportwriter needs to be hung up.” Jeff Kent? “IRASCIBLE”

At this point, Berkman speaks to his sunflower seed eating techniques and preferences. “I’ll go with a flavored seed. But it just depends, the kind of seeds that are available. One of the techniques that I find helpful — I don’t like all the salt, so I rinse them under the water. I tear the bag open and put water in the bag and dump it out and then put water in the bag again and dump it out. You gotta be aware of your sodium intake, that’s not necessarily the best thing for you.”

Berkman then gives his opinion on college football (2010-11 was the boring-est season ever), women’s sports (jokes!), and what’s wrong with the Astros (they don’t listen to Bagwell and Biggio enough). Unsurprisingly, talking about what’s wrong with the Astros takes up the entire last fourth of the interview until they are out of time. He has a lot of opinions about the Astros and while not all of them are mine, I can’t shake the feeling that he might make a better GM than Ed Wade.

Just hearing Berkman’s drawl brings me a great deal of comfort and happiness. He embodies all of the good cliches about the south: he is kind and good-hearted but never one to hold back an honest opinion, hilarious, gregarious, fat, happy, hard-working when he needs to be, and laid back when he doesn’t. And so, despite my feelings about this matchup, I’ll be watching my favorite ballplayer play in the World Series tonight.