The Arizona Live Event: Some Likely Contingencies

Earlier today, Full-Time Employee Dave Cameron announced that FanGraphs will be hosting not one butbutbut two live events in Phoenix, Arizona — on March 11th and 12th, respectively.

While Cameron’s notice surely gives a basic sense of what to expect, I thought I might elaborate on some other notable events that are sure to occur as the weekend unfolds.

Here are they are, in no particular order:

• Eno Sarris will not once be seen in the same room as Malcolm Gladwell. This, of course, has less to do with their physical resemblance and way more to do with how Macolm Gladwell will actually just be swimming in a pile of money in some gigantic New York loft apartment.

• Jackie Moore will wear many hats — and not in the metaphorical way. Guy just loves hats.

• Paul Swydan, driving all the way from his Colorado home, will question, publicly and often, his decision to do same. Will also question other decisions he’s made in life. Will ask — again, publicly and often — “Who is Paul Swydan?” In grip of madness, will also develop flawless system for measuring defensive runs.

• Joe Pawlikowski and Mike Axisa will reveal their true identities — as the founding members of 90s glam-metal band Nelson.

• Robert Sanchez, contributor to Denver’s 5280 magazine and author of the FanGraphs Style Guide, will regret that said Guide does not also address personal style.

• Dark Overlord David Appelman will perform a ritual sacrifice of one FanGraphs contributor in honor of the God of Sabermetrics. Signs point to the sacrificed being the smallest, least wriggly writer.

• Dave Cameron will write an open letter to the guy serving hot dogs at Goodyear Park, outlining some ways in which he (i.e. the hot dog guy) might more effectively distribute his product. Letter will make its way to same vendor, who will adopt suggested changes and see instant results.

• Members of the Cleveland Indians front office will attempt to kidnap Dave Allen. Luckily, Allen has a homing device as part of his operating system and will be easily located. Sorry, Cleveland Indians!