“Just the tip” of the hat to Notgraphs reader Eric Czaplicki for suggesting this story.

Team Innuendo!!!!
AKA: I Am Twelve Years Old!

Starting pitchers:

1. Doug Fister
“I Hardly Know Her!” …Obviously our best in the bunch both in terms of ability and in terms of innuendo. Here’s a story: when I worked at a bookstore, I used to call people at the other information desks and tell them I needed them to look up something for a customer and then feed them this ISBN and hang up: 1890159026.

2. R.A. Dickey

3. Mike Leake
Admittedly, a little weak on the innuendo front — toilet humor’s VORJ is definitely a couple points lower than dick humor’s. But his decision to wear stirrups in 2011 gave me no choice but to make him my number three guy.

4. Chien-Ming Wang

5. Charlie Furbush
Said aloud it kind of just sounds like part of an interior designer’s job description, but on the page it really pops. If I were him, I’d be pushing every possible nickname angle I could. I suggest “Furby.”

Bullpen:

6. Merkin Valdez
The possibility of using both Furbush and Merkin in one game really seals this deal (if you know what I mean).

7. Brian Schlitter
As a proud season pass holder to Schlitterbahn — the largest waterpark in Texas and the best one in the world — this is secretly my favorite name on this entire roster despite the aforementioned low VORJ of bathroom humor.

8. Jeff Manship
If he hasn’t used his own last name as part of a cheesy pickup line, I am disappoint.

9. Nate Adcock
1. It’d be funnier if there were two ‘d’s; 2. I read an interview with him once where he said that his nickname back home is “Tater.” That’s all.

Infield:

10. Matt Wieters, C
People keep trying to tell me I pronounce his name wrong and I’m all “if the wiener alliteration is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.”

11. Albert Pujols, 1B
It’s easy to forget because there’s so much else to think about when you hear his name, but El Hombre really does have the most unfortunate last name in baseball history. Also, this is the inverse of Wieters — it’s only funny when pronounced correctly.

12. Nick Punto, 2B
I have no idea where the joke is, but it just sounds dirty, right? Also, sweet shirt brah.

13. Brian Bocock, SS
The fact that he’s not a Giant anymore is really deflating.

14. Nate Spears, 3B
Weak, I know, but there’s a dearth of third baseman with funny names. Anyways, did y’all know that there’s an “inspirational poet” from Jacksonville, FL, also named Nate Spears? COINCIDENCE?

Outfield:

15. Kosuke Fukudome, RF
All I know is that when I win the lottery and build my own baseball stadium for my softball league to play in, it’s going to be called the Fuk-u-dome.

16. Grady Sizemore, CF
One half of the best platoon outfield of all time. His name wouldn’t be nearly as funny if his first name didn’t kind of look like “grody”. #bringbackgrody

17. Andrew McCutchen, CF
“McTouchin’ My Pujols.” You’re welcome, fantasy baseball enthusiasts.

18 . Felix Pie, LF
If I had three wishes, one would be a million dollars, two would be an Astros world series, and three would be that Felix Pie’s son and Bryan LaHair’s daughter get married some day and she hyphenates her name. Or world peace.

Bench:

19. Jerad Head
As reader Eric pointed out, the Tigers recently got Head.

20. Cameron Maybin
[reaching]MAY-B-IN[/reaching]

The “Wood Section”:

21. Brandon Wood

22. Travis Wood

23. Blake Wood

24. Kerry Wood

25. Tim Wood

I apologize.