The AL Central “War of Proposed Civic Statues”

While the actual baseball race in the American League Central should be compelling enough, there’s another pitched battle (baseball pun, free of charge) developing in Flyover Nation. This battle, naturally enough, is over proposed civic statues that will never actually happen.

In Detroit, home of the Tigers and Miguel Cabrera’s basest urges, there’s a movement afoot to construct a giant totem to the greatest half-man/half-machine to take back the streets since Nathan Hale. I speak, of course, of Robocop.

In Kansas City, home of the Royals and their discontents, the people want, automatically and for them, a statue of relentless tickler of funny bones Vicky Lawrence dressed up as everyone’s favorite rolling pin-wielding materfamilias, Mama from “Mama’s Family.”

Detroit mayor Dave Bing has, at great personal hazard, laughed off the Robocop idea, but Caesar he is not. As for Mama and her groundswell, so far as I know the mayor of Kansas City, whoever he or she may be (best guess: Jeff Francoeur) has not yet seen fit to address the demands of his or her subjects. But a people afflicted with the Greinke-less Royals need consoling distractions — consoling distractions like a statue in honor of the comedienne who broke the male stranglehold on the sub-genre of corn-pone humor (history will not be kind to Foghorn Leghorn for his efforts to stanch Ms. Lawrence’s rise to prominence).

In any event, the gauntlet has been laid before the remaining cities of the AL Central to build statues in honor of fictional movie characters who spent their fictional lives in said cities. To that end, some suggestions …

Chicago – The murderous Alligator from Alligator

Cleveland – Howard the Duck

Twin Cities – Morris Day from Purple Rain. Some might argue that Morris Day, in point of fact, is not fictional. So what: Neither is Robocop. Alternatively, you could build a monument to Prince’s abusive father from Purple Rain or Apollonia’s exposed mammaries from Purple Rain, but the point is it must be something from Purple Rain.

At the end of the day if this leads to a Robocop vs. Giant, Murderous Alligator straight-to-DVD exploration of Rust Belt angst, then we all win. Sometimes the drums of war make for a catchy tune.