The 2010 Anti-Awards

As Dan Shaughnessy or any self-aware electron will you, it pays to go negative. So in keeping with that wisdom, we’re going negative in this space and handing out a few “Anti-Awards” for the 2010 season.

First, though, something must be said. Even lousy major-league baseball players are better at baseball than I am at anything in the world. Now I feel better.

The LVP (The Least Valuable Player, natch)

AL – Cesar Izturis, Orioles

Izturis’s defensive reputation is justifiably strong, but not even Mark Belanger with winged heels and a tractor-beam glove can make up for this batting line: .230/.277/.268. Imagine the heights the Orioles could’ve scaled without him …

NL – Pedro Feliz, Astros/Cardinals

Feliz hit .221/.243/.311 as a ‘Stro, and he was even more of a Superfund site after being picked up by the Cardinals. Without his listless bat, the Cards would’ve won a thousand games and a hundred championships.

The Anthony Young (In honor of the cosmically blighted Mets hurler of the early 90s. In reality, he wasn’t that bad, but the reputation persists. Plus, Cy Young … Anthony Young. Get it? Come for the half-baked analysis, stay for the Borscht Belt comedy!)

AL – Ryan Rowland-Smith, Mariners

I can ignore pitcher win-loss records with the best of ’em, but … 1-10! Seven times as many wild pitches as wins! And the clincher: Opposing hitters ritually abused Rowland-Smith to the tune of .314/.379/.575. Perform like that in the NFL, and an assistant coach will tear up your contract and then murder you with a cargo hook.

NL – Oliver Perez, Mets

The crime of it all — the $12-million crime of it all — is that Perez was actually better this season than he was in 2009. Now for his filthy bestowals: 6.80 ERA, more walks than strikeouts, more runs allowed than strikeouts, .429 opposing OBP. All that plus a heart as black as pitch. After, failure in New York is always the residue of sniveling immorality. Isn’t that usually the narrative?