Spotted: Giant Baseball Phallus

While, as Mike Axisa noted yesterday in these pages, most of Team FanGraphs has returned from its annual pilgrimage to the American Desert, such is not the case for our masculine and dangerous founder, David Appelman. Instead, Appelman has — in the tradition of some Native American tribes and also ASU freshmen — has embarked upon a vision quest in the lands surrounding Phoenix.

For obvious reasons, it’s impossible to remain in contact with Appelman as he traverses the parched landscape, naked but for blue jeans and a developing taste for coyote meat. However, evidence of his hallucinogenic walkabout arrived by mail yesterday and has been embedded in this post for the reader’s consideration.

From what I can make out, we have here a photorealistic image — presumably painted by Appelman himself using only desert berries and his own blood — of a giant baseball phallus. Note, please, that the monument is not merely phallic. That would be to suggest that it (i.e. the towering structure) merely bears resemblance to the male organ. In fact, I’ve been led to believe by Appelman (via a note crudely attached to the work) that the object we see here is intended to be an actual, working member — with a functional vas deferens, corpus cavernosum, and other anatomical terms that are probably also the name of at least one Dutch punk band.

Given this overwhelming evidence, we can only assume that Appelman — via some combination of dehydration, exhaustion, and amazing, amazing peyote — has reached an altered state. For it’s implausible to think that a human, or group of humans, would build such a structure while of sound mind and body.