Some Unreported Details of the Pujols Contract

Over the weekend, Tim Brown of Yahoo Sports provided some details on Albert Pujols’ contract with the Angels, noting that the first baseman will receive $3 million for his 3,000th career hit and $7 million for his 763rd career home run.

With all due respect to Mr. Brown’s reportage, he appears to have omitted some of the more peculiar elements of the 10-year pact. Fortunately for all of society, our Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has performed the diligence due such a sizable deal.

Here are some of the unreported — but totally, definitely true — particulars of the Pujols contract:

• To confirm the verity of Pujols’s reported age, the Angels requested he provide not only a long-form birth certificate, but also a startling minute-by-minute account of the birth by Colombian novelist Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who was present in Santo Domingo at the time. Early reports suggest that Pujols’ mother was not, in fact, a human woman, but the very butterfly after whom the Effect of the same name was coined.

• Per terms of the agreement, the Angels must provide a personal chef for Pujols and a personal chef for his personal chef and a personal chef for his personal chef’s personal chef. The personal chef of the personal chef’s personal chef will be given a tiny Russian doll.

• In the event that Universal Pictures gives the go-ahead to a sequel of 1988’s Twins, Pujols will be required to take the part originally played by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Danny DeVito will resume his role as Vincent Benedict.

• Pujols will be allowed to drive on the secret highways in Los Angeles that only the rich people know about.

• Upon reaching his power-up points threshold, Pujols will receive the Big Slam power-up when batting. Activating Big Slam power will give Pujols ultimate hitting power and turn the entire stadium dark as he locks onto the pitcher. Anything short of a perfect pitch and a poorly timed swing will sail out of the park with a vapor trail behind it.