Shorter Baseball Columnists!
It’s time for another installment of “Shorter Baseball Columnists,” in which we read mainstream baseball columnists and marginalized bloggers like Murray Chass so you don’t have to! Let us begin!
Shorter Bill Conlin: If you quote Ryan Howard’s WAR to me, I might just kill your stupid face.
Shorter T.J. Simers: For some reason, Ned Colletti isn’t telling me precisely what I’d like to hear.
Shorter Bill Plaschke: Peter Bourjos is like a kid out there and also cute.
Shorter Mike Lupica: I am not a lawyer, but Roger Clemens is in trouble.
Shorter Dan Shaughnessy: I am not a lawyer, but Roger Clemens is out of trouble.
Shorter Murray Chass: The All-Star Game can be saved by Twitter, which I hate.
The “Shorter” approach to Internetty commentary traces back, as best as one can tell, to Daniel Davies.
Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.
Wow, Conlin is a true douche and a half.
i really enjoy how he not only abuses strawmanning like none other, but he in fact invents some bad arguments so he can knock them down. to wit:
-he claims that proponents of WAR dislike Ryan Howard because he…does not bunt enough.
-he believes opponents of Ryan Howard dislike him because Prince Fielder is better at fielding.
-on a tangential note, the “Tab & Scrapple choir”? really?
I like where he said that hitting fourth for the best team in the NL, and MLB leader in team wins actually means something.
Or how driving in runs is a massive solo effort that only Howard could ever do.
I really didn’t know whether to continue to laugh or to clean up the vomit on my keyboard when I was done reading it. The whole article was like a sickeningly sweet desert, like too much flan, the humor kept you reading until your stomach just couldn’t take any more.