Seven Notable Thinkers on Quickening the Pace of Baseball

Epicurus was a capable philosopher despite appearing to possess no real eyes.

At the internet weblog which bears his name, Groton native and alumnus Peter Gammons today proposed some ideas to the end of quickening the pace of the average baseball game.

What follows are seven real and not fake suggestions on that same topic courtesy very important thinkers of yesterday and today.

For example:

EPICURUS
“It is the taste of the food, not the time required to eat it, by which one adjudges the quality of a meal. Likewise, it is the quality of a baseball game, not its length, by which one must evalute the merits of that game. In conclusion, I recommend contracting the Mets.”

GORDON MOORE
“It’s my opinion that the length of a baseball game will double every year for the foreseeable future.”

JOSEPH STALIN
“It’s impossible to quicken the pace of the game without breaking about 20 million eggs or so.”

MEN EVERYWHERE
“It’s not the length of the game that’s important, but the width.”

SIGMUND FREUD
“Tell me: what are you trying to avoid talking about when you talk about quickening the pace of baseball?”

STEVE JOBS
“I don’t have the solution at the moment, but I can guarantee that Apple would design a considerably faster baseball game than Microsoft.”

WOODY ALLEN
“I’ve always attempted to prolong my sexual experiences by thinking about baseball. Perhaps baseball would become quicker if it, in turn, fantasized about my sexual experiences.”