RIP Baseball

I regret to be the one to inform you, but baseball as we know it was murdered in 2008. What you’ve been watching in the ensuing three years has been simply the death throes of a game we all love, gasping for air and seizing as it goes into shock…or something (I’m not a doctor; that’s a thing, right?)

“What felled mighty baseball?” you ask, in expectation that in the next paragraph I will tell you. “Surely no one human person is capable of destroying something so fine and beautiful.”

You would be correct. While some might argue that Ryan Braun is killing the game we love so much, baseball was not murdered at the hands of man. No. Baseball was ruined, as most things eventually are, by vampires. Observe:

Horrifying, is it not? As it turns out, vampires love The American Pastime what with all the running through the woods, leaping off of trees, thunderstorms, blatant umpire intimidation, and random other vampires who just stroll across the field like there aren’t rules against just that sort of thing. Wait, that’s not how you like your baseball? Even with its rock and roll soundtrack, paleness, brooding, and sparkles?

Note also that that one dreamy vampire your 14 year old cousin won’t shut the hell up about brings his girlfriend to the game, even though she won’t be allowed to play. What an inconsiderate jerk.

Note also also that the pitcher seems to be essentially throwing batting practice, just lobbing her throws in there with sluggish rotation and absolutely no lower-body action. Look, given that she’s immortal, she may simply be following 19th century conventions by putting an easy pitch exactly where the batter asks for it. But shouldn’t that be properly explained??? I mean, come on. The casual baseball-loving audience is not all going to understand that the pitcher is playing under rules that were changed in 1884.

Finally, metal bats?

Look, I don’t mean to be racist, but baseball was better when it was just for humans. Vampires have, as usual, ruined the game with their distinct physiological advantages. They’ve also made it more difficult to watch through that gloomy blue filter that follows them everywhere. Maybe this is what’s necessary for baseball to appeal to the next generation of fans. But if it is, count me out. I, and right-thinking Americans everywhere, prefer our baseball without angst.