Re-Imagining the Twins Winter Caravan

Word from the Upper Middle West this morning reveals that the Minnesota Twins have announced a preliminary schedule for their 2011 Winter Caravan.

Don’t know what that thing is? Let a press release tell you!

Boom, blockquote:

The Twins Winter Caravan is one of the longest running and most extensive offseason team caravans in professional sports. It features teams of current and former players visiting schools, hospitals, corporations and service clubs during the day with a traditional “hot stove” program each evening.

Here’s the thing: I think we can all pretty much agree that the idea of players visiting schools and hospitals — it warms the cockles of the heart. Even if we look at such events cynically — i.e. that they represent little more than a PR opportunity for the organization — the kids still benefit insofar as hanging out with millionaires is always fun.

However, as is often the case, the morally virtuous path differs from the aesthetically excellent one. While everyone can feel good about smiling children, it seems as though what we really have here is a wasted opportunity. For I think the bespectacled readership would rather — much more than all the storybook-reading and high-fiving that assuredly occurs at such events — would rather test the limits of the Caravan genre.

Some suggestions, entirely off of my cuffs, as to how the Twins might more entertainingly utilize this opportunity:

• Facilitate a Question Time-style event, where fans are allowed to ask Ron Gardenhire about some of his more puzzling strategic maneuvers.

• Have Joe Mauer present a workshop on sideburn care and grooming.

• Perform a full-length stage version of Ivan Reitman’s 1988 comedy Twins. Cast Nick Punto as the Danny DeVito character and any other player as the Schwarzenegger one.