R.A. Dickey’s Crimes Against Humanity

As my beleaguered comrade Eno Sarris has already emoted, R.A. Dickey is leaving the fair city of New York. The casual fan might assume that the Blue Jays-Mets swap is one of those unfortunate deals necessary for a rebuilding club to get younger. They might then accidentally go on to miss the intelligent, witty veteran with the lovable knuckleball. Fortunately, the New York Post is there to dispel these illusions, and remind the reader that R.A. Dickey is in fact a clubhouse cancer and possible convicted felon, who has fled north to escape his inevitable tarring/feathering.

The Post’s Mr. Davidoff doesn’t actually supply much hard evidence for the selfishness of the 38 year-old pitcher whose performance the past three seasons has has surpassed his pay six times over. Fortunately, we here at the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team have uncovered a list of some of Dickey’s petulant demands and grotesque personal charisma. An anonymous source revealed the following unforgivable sins:

• R.A. Dickey demands that his locker be continually stocked with Crystal Pepsi.

• When R.A. Dickey plays chess against strangers in Washington Square Park, he always sits so that his opponent has the sun in his or her eyes.

• R.A. Dickey invented Bud Light Lime.

• R.A. Dickey gave Fred Wilpon free financial advice.

• R.A. Dickey gave Lucas Dada free hitting advice.

• R.A. Dickey thought the Star Wars prequels were better than the originals.

• R.A. Dickey forces Rex Ryan to start Mark Sanchez every week.

• R.A. Dickey invoked the filibuster 114 times during team meetings in the past two years.

• R.A. Dickey also requires Robert’s Rules of Order to be adhered to during said meetings.

• R.A. Dickey consistently puts hos before bros.

• R.A. Dickey tried to enlist his teammates into investing in a company called Five Loko.

• R.A. Dickey can often be heard in the locker room humming the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song.

• R.A. Dickey only takes a penny; he never gives a penny.

• R.A. Dickey didn’t cancel Firefly, but he didn’t not cancel Firefly.

• R.A. Dickey requires that all official documentation be printed in Comic Sans.

• R.A. Dickey likes the movie version of The Natural better than the book.

• When R.A. Dickey sees turtles on a beach, he systematically turns over each one.

All these things make the trade a dubious one for the Blue Jays, especially since we can expect extradition to begin within the next couple of months.