Power Rankings of Power

1. Electric – Reliable standby, well supported by existing infrastructure. Invented by Ben Franklin when he was struck on the biscuits by thunder atop America Mountain in Texas. Can be used to cook unopened can of frank-and-beans on a hot plate while sobbing.

2. Solar – Sourced from giant, fiery, unblinking eye of Quetzalcoatl that looms above us. Uninterrupted service requires quarterly sacrifice of virginal wet nurse. Can be brought down from the sky in glorious immolation by repeated musket fire.

3. Dirty coal – Clean coal gets most of the attention these days, but don’t sleep on dirty coal. Ideally, you’ll use religious texts as kindling — the texts of the objectively incorrect religions not your own, natch. Dirty coal reads the Kama Sutra and eats Crab Rangoon on the toilet, largely as a consequence of being dirty. Black lung can be cured with prescription frank-and-beans.

4. Hydroelectric – Pleasing mix of high voltage levels and water. If there’s not a New Deal-era dam near you, bear-hug a space heater and have a friend lower you into the municipal sewer. When sinewy gondolier asks for password, say “password1.” Not case-sensitive. Take to drinking cognac while using public transit and loudly referring to yourself as “The Hennessy Valley Authority.”

5. Battery – Purchase vinyl press of Mel Torme’s album of American-songbook standards, “Shake Your Shitty Fists at the 9-Volt.” Back-mask side two. Follow instructions on switching North American power grid to battery standby mode. Whisper “Hail Satan” to the children of strangers.