Possible Futures for NotGraphs Writers

I do not care much for politics. If I wanted to watch people hurl bile at one another over issues that divide the populous, I’d just read baseball blogs. But regardless of your political affiliations, or lack thereof, I think we can all agree that we as baseball nerds were the big winners last night.

I’m speaking of course about Nate Silver, OG baseball nerd turned political pontificator. Mr. Silver used his statistical-minded analysis to correctly predict the outcome of the presidential election in all 50 states. This has caused some to wonder if Mr. Silver is, in fact, a witch.

Witch or not, Mr. Silver has been quite successful in his career transition. This led me to wonder: At which future careers would current NotGraphs writers be most successful? When we decide to spread our wings and put this shit town in our rear-view, to what profession should we aspire? I propose the following career paths for my brethren. If you disagree, please note that I spent all of five minutes thinking about this. And then go eat a dick.

Robert J. Baumann: I’ve chosen Baumann first not on alphabetical merit, but because I think he kind of doesn’t like me. This is a poor attempt at gaining favor. I can’t speak directly to Baumann’s understanding of the game, but I feel like his experiencing of the game tends to happen on the periphery. He doesn’t delve too far into the daily goings-on, but instead tackles issues from the wings. He asks the larger questions. He observes with a more obtuse eye. Future Career: Stand-up comedian. I’m not sure if Baumann is actually funny. I know he’s NotGraphs funny, but come on. However, his observational qualities bode well to the profession. I don’t mean in a “what’s the deal with…” fashion, but in a way that allows the audience to laugh at things they’ve always noticed, but never thought about.

Patrick Dubuque: If I had to wager a guess, I would assume Patrick triple-majored in English, Etymology, and Philosophy. I say this, because these seem like the concentrations that use the biggest words. Patrick uses the shit out of big words. His writing doesn’t have the feel that he is shoehorning these words in, however. For some reason I get the sense that Patrick uses phrases like “We’re often cajoled by motivational posters and the ghost of Satchel Paige ” on a daily basis. But, again, not in a prudish way. It’s just the way he talks, I figure. I don’t know, I’ve never met the guy. Maybe he’s a mumbling nincompoop. Future Career: Critic of something. I don’t even care what. Just pick something you like Patrick, and criticize it for money. There is hardly a better use for non-traditional and flowery language then in criticism. One does not even need to provide any actual value judgments if the language is complicated enough. The huddled masses will simply read the big words, assume the author is smart (and therefor knows what they’re doing), and takes their word as gospel. I actually doubt Patrick would treat the position that way, but he could, is all.

Mississippi Matt Smith: MMS fucking loves Photoshop. Future Career: Something involving Photoshop. He’s good at it already, and it appears to bring him enjoyment. It can’t just be a touchup artist for a magazine or something, though. The job has to allow him to envelope his creativity into his work. You know the people who make the fake pictures for The Onion? He should do that. Jobs at The Onion are easy to get, right?

Navin Vaswani: Navin loves drilling down to hard truths, or at least as far as this silly site will allow. He wants to know things. He wants to then tell you these things. In Navin’s posts history, there seems to be equal parts “investigation” and “great moments.” There is a perfect mix of investigation and celebration (investibration? Dammit, Patrick would know what word to use here.) He’s the everyman’s reporter, digging deep enough to give the story merit, but also panning out to view the splendor. He paints wide strokes with the tinniest of brushes. Future Career: Host of Dirty Jobs on the Discovery Channel. This presents a problem in that this position is already filled by a handsome older man, but there can always be a Dirty Jobs Canada, right? I don’t know how Navin feels about dirt and/or jobs, but he’s got the perfect mindset to host this show.

Jeremy Blachman: Jeremy Blachman follows possibly every MLB major- and minor-leaguer on Twitter. He knows every what-to and here-for affecting baseballers around the globe. You hear that pulse? No, of course you don’t. You don’t hear it because it’s muffled by Jeremy’s finger, since his finger is on it. Future Career: Nurse. Think about it. What person has their fingers on more pulses than nurses? Think of all the info he would ingest. And they’re all numbers! Bonus Future Career: Senior Manager of Social Media and Digital Strategy. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was to convince Fortune 500 companies to pay people to dick around on Facebook all day.

Summer Anne Burton: CATS! Future Career: Something involving cats. That’s the only requirement she has, I assume.

Carson Cistulli: This is the part of the article where you expect me to take a dump on C-Money. I will not. It’s too expected. Say what you will about his body style, hipsterish behavior, and obsession over doomed-to-fail prospects, but Carson is actually a very good writer. He, like Baumann, takes pleasure in observing the unobserved, inserting himself (don’t be gross) into the spaces between the girders of society. Future Career: Professor of Cultural Studies and Comparative Literature. This field was my minor in college. I could not picture a better spot for Cistulli. I had to read about 10,000 pages of German media theory, watch the film Brazil and take a test on it, and have serious discourse about South Park. You are picturing Carson teaching these classes right now, aren’t you?

Dayn Perry: Dayn is already a trusted source in baseball journalism. He is the author of two books (one of them serviceable), and a famous podcast personality. What possible career could I suggest for Dayn should he decide to walk away from writing? Future Career: You know how people can take experience tours based on TV shows and movies? That, based on the movie Deliverance. Squeal like a pig, indeed.