Phillies-Braves Game Report by the Author of Ecclesiastes

It is not generally the case that NotGraphs is in the business of publishing unsolicited contributions. For reasons that aren’t entirely clear, however, Koheleth — known most commonly as the son of David, king of Jerusalem, and also the world-weary author of Ecclesiastes from the Old Testament — requested to write a game recap of Monday night’s Phillies-Braves game.

What follows is the entirety of his submission.

1 All human endeavor is futile. Likewise, Monday night’s game between Atlanta and Philadelphia was futile.

2 Dan Uggla hit two home runs. Evan Gattis hit two home runs. Their achievements will be obscured by time.

3 Likewise the gathered crowds: their cheers and taunts which filled the air, already dissipate.

4 Fandom is vanity and vexation of spirit. In particular, Phillies fandom is mere vanity and vexation of spirit. Dan Uggla, most in particular, is vanity and vexation of the spirit and additional vanity.

5 Braves wins 9-6.

6 Dan Uggla, I repeat, is basically grief personified.

7 This is the end of the matter.

Credit to Michael Baumann, who doesn’t even know that he was instrumental in the composition of this post.