Over the weekend, The Worldwide Leader In Sports put it up to a vote:

Which team will win the AL East?

Five teams in the division, therefore five voting options. Or so you’d think. Instead, and please click to embiggen:

Yep, only four options:

Yankees
Red Sox
Rays
Other

Other? Other.

According to ESPN, the Baltimore Orioles and Toronto Blue Jays barely exist. They certainly don’t matter. Now, I know the Orioles are half a team in a good year, but, as a supporter of the Blue Jays, I took this one personally. Where’s the love?

Actually, I wasn’t looking for love from ESPN. I was looking for acknowledgement. Some respect. The Blue Jays won 85 games last year; four fewer than the Red Sox. And if I can be brutally honest: No fan wants his or her team lumped in a group of two with the Orioles.

My emails and phone calls in protest to the highest levels of ESPN got the job done. The laziest of polls, I can no longer find it over at ESPN.com’s SportsNation. I like to think it’s been erased from the Internet forever, and that the person in charge of creating it is, as I requested, out of a job. Other? We won’t stand for Other in Canada.

One more thing (embiggen!):

As of early Saturday morning, other than New York State and Wyoming, and tiny Connecticut*, the American people had spoken: Red Sox.

New York State I understand. Wyoming, not so much. What’s the deal, Wyomingites?

*Oops.

Friend of the blog — and actual, real-life friend — Dan Lurie made of the above a Christmas gift for yours truly. It’s a book, published in 1961, called World Series Encyclopedia and purporting to have “Game-By-Game Highlights” and “Lifetime Statistics Of All 1136 Series Players [1903-1960].”

Pictured here are the front and back covers, respectively. So far as I can tell, the illustrations on the front are of (clockwise from top left) Joe DiMaggio stepping over “napping” (read: “rather unconscious”) Cincinnati catcher Ernie Lombardi in 1939; 18-year-old New York Giant Freddie Lindstrom watching a grounder deflect off a pebble and over his head in 1924; and a would-be game-winning third strike eluding the grasp of Brooklyn catcher Mickey Owen in the 1941 Dodgers-Yankees series.

The back cover features the following illustrations: a Brooklyn “bum” harboring some grief towards Don Larsen and his perfect game in 1956; Willie Mays‘ uber-famous catch of Vic Wertz‘ center-field fliner in 1954; a metaphorical depiction of Cardinal Pepper Martin (who stole five bases in the 1931 series) “stealing” off Athletic catcher Mickey Cochrane; and Brooklyn Dodger Al Gionfriddo making a catch at the fence off a would-be Joe DiMaggio homer in 1947.

It should be noted that the ’47 Series also featured Dodger Cookie Lavagetto, making it (i.e. the series) an unambiguous victory for Italian-Americans everywhere.

There’s a not insubstantial bloc of folks who long for the days when men wouldn’t leave the house without a necktie and stylish fedora. What follows might cause that not insubstantial bloc of folks to ponder taking a hostage …

As you can see, the Forever Lazy makes your standard-issue, ketchup-stained sweatpants look like the finest your finest haberdasher has to offer. It’s basically a hoodie bodysuit, and — since advertisers have always been and will always be yoked to the truth — it’s clearly great for crapping! It’s also clearly great for watching sports, whether in person or in a darkened living room just after receiving divorce papers!

So if you’ve ever been at the ballpark and thought, “Instead of this sensible knit polo, I wish I were wearing something that made me look like a guy named ‘Cookie’ who pans for gold and or cooks gruel for a wagon train,” then you’ll want one of these posthaste. If this thing catches on — and, honestly, how could it not? — then the Forever Lazy, much like its Snuggie progenitor, will soon be festooned with your favorite team’s logo. At that point, we all win.

History teaches us that Patrick Henry, armed with nothing but a tuning fork and a sense of mission, killed Stalin in Las Vegas. I like to think that Mr. Henry did so in the hopes that one day we as a people would soar beyond the dimensions of the possible and invent something like the Forever Lazy (although archival documents suggest he wanted it to be called “The Smock of Dignity”).

Know this, patriot: Your dreams have been realized.

A man who demands the spotlight.

Inexplicably, the San Francisco Giants have agreed to be the subject of a behind-the-scenes reality series that will air on Showtime next year. I feel bad for Giants fans. (Haven’t been able to say that for a few months!)

Life as a Major League Baseball team is pretty simple. The goal is to win the World Series. You face many challenges along the way, including keeping your clubhouse focused and productive. This is no small task — baseball players are famously delicate, like souffles or those flowers that start rotting if they’re two degrees warmer than they’re supposed to be.

Turning your season into a reality series seems like a distraction with no baseball benefit. Matt Cain seems to hope it’ll make him more famous:

“I think it will be great publicity for the team and the guys on the team… I think it could be a really good thing for San Francisco. Everybody knows the West Coast doesn’t get as much publicity as East Coast teams.”

West Coast teams obviously get less coverage nationally. For West Coast players, that likely means fewer endorsement offers and less leverage in free agency. So, with this show deal, the players get some fame, and the team and the players presumably get money. Giants fans get not much.

Showtime channel-receiving American households are about to learn a lot more about the Giants. We’ll see if they make San Francisco proud.

Courtesy of Bradley Frigging Woodrum, who also produced — and won an EGOT for — FIP: A New ERA.

H/T: DRaysBay

Saturday Night Live – George F. Will’s Sports Machine – Video – NBC.com.

Unfortunately, I can’t get the video to embed properly, so you’ll have to click over (gasp!) to watch.

According to the description on NBC.com, George F. Will’s Sports Machine is “The most exciting sports show ever.” Dana Carvey plays the part of conservative columnist George Will, lampooning the thick, unfeeling prose that fills his book “Men At Work.” Mike Schmidt is portrayed by Corbin Bensen (Roger Dorn of Major League fame, thanks commenters) and John Lovitz uncannily portrays Tommy Lasorda.

The players have to answer questions about baseball, such as “What was [Willie Mays’s catch in 1954] not unlike?” with answers just as thick and trite. Eventually, Lasorda, Schmidt, the audience, and even ABC News personality Sam Donaldson reach the boiling point, asking Will if he ever played the game (clearly, by his arm, he hasn’t), and finally chasing him out of the studio.

Dana Carvey has always been one of my favorite SNL cast members, and this is no exception. His impression, as always, is flawless. Enjoy.

I love baseball. And I love hip-hop music.

And after listening to the brilliant track below, “My Oh My” by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, I think I’ve finally realized what Dave Niehaus truly meant to the city of Seattle.

My city, my city, childhood, my life, that’s right, under those lights.
It’s my city, my city, childhood, my life, Niehaus, My Oh My.
Rest in peace …

Addendum: You can read Macklemore’s thoughts on Niehaus, and download the track for free, here.

This video of Carlos Pena signing a taco is actually the third in a series of three taking place over three consecutive spring trainings. I’ll submit that, while Episode Two is certainly watchable, it lacks the chemistry between the principal players that one finds in Episode Three. (Episode One, for its part, appears to be entirely absent from YouTube — which, that probably means it’s being remade with a bigger budget or something.)

In any case, here’s what happens in all the videos:

1. The cameraman and his friend — in attendance at Tampa’s spring-training facility — are like, “Hey, Carlos, sign this taco!”

2. Carlos Pena is all, “Signing tacos is weird!”

3. Carlos Pena signs the taco.

4. The cameraman’s friend eats the signed taco.

5. Fin.

As I say above, this particular installment is the third in a series, and it was posted 10 months ago, suggesting that it’s from Spring Training 2010. To say that the world is on the edge of its collective seat, wondering if now-Cub Pena and Co. will continue this tradition — that’d be an exercise in understatement, obviously.

H/T: Erik Frigging Hahmann

Everyone who’s anyone knows that a giggle factory is a factory that produces giggles en masse. And a giggle factory is what this guy became yesternight when he (i.e. I, Carson Cistulli) read Grant-of-McCovey-Chronicles’ post on some notable ballark promotions scheduled to occur this year at San Francisco’s AT&T Park.

Mr. Grant goes through a couple ideas, examining what sort of fun could be had with each, and then gives us this white-hot paragraph:

There are others that might appeal to you — pins, socks, belt buckles, shirts, Snuggie-type wearable blankets. It should be noted that my suggested promotion — “Stand Next to Buster Posey For a Few Minutes and Ask Him Some Questions, Shake His Hand, Stare At Him Uncomfortably, and Smell What Kind of Shampoo He Uses, You Know, Just Take It In” Day — was not included, and there doesn’t seem to be any evidence that it was even considered, despite countless letters and e-mails. There’s always next season. And the whole experience did give me an idea for a new site tagline: “McCovey Chronicles: Giants fandom from a court-ordered 500 feet away.”

While I don’t want to toot my own horn — or, at least not in public, where everyone can see me doing it (embarrassing!) — I think of myself as something of the proverbial Idea Man. With that in mind, I’ve concocted promotional ideas for five major league clubs.

Totally free of charge, here they are, MLB:

Organization: Atlanta Braves
Promotion: “Uggla Tree” Giveaway
Description: In celebration of Arbor Day and also the team’s new starting second baseman, the Braves give away saplings to the first 10,000 fans.

Read the rest of this entry »

I need your help. I’ve pondered the pros and cons of both, and even allowed time for the darkened penumbras of my subconscious to have their say. Yet I still can’t decide which is more awesome — the t-shirt once worn by freshly minted Hall of Famer Bert Blyleven …

Or that the otherwise banal Fathead product line blessedly allows you to festoon your living room with the Milwaukee sausage-race contestants …

I simply can’t decide. Blyleven in a fart shirt or an addition to the home that adds more equity than a stylish backsplash and the full complement of Energy Star appliances? I don’t want to minimize the gravity of Sophie’s Choice, but this is far more difficult than choosing which spawn to save.