You happen across American Bad Seed Pete Rose in a Cooperstown diner. You follow him to his car and ask him for an autograph. He declines. What you do next will, in some ways, define you and how you handle the daisy chain of adversities found in this, our miserable existence.

Do you merely acknowledge that celebrities have no obligation to indulge our bizarre whims and return to your chili-cheese fries? Or you do heave the unsigned ball across the road — at traffic level — and into the woods where James Fenimore Cooper once played army, heel-turn, stomp off into the distance, and squeeze out a few shitty-baby tears? If you’re the guy captured below on live-action video, then it’s an easy choice …

At this late hour, I thought all of us knew that Mr. Rose would walk through hell in a gasoline suit before he’d sign something for free.

(Autograph request: Off the Bench)

Depending on the punctuation, this title could set us in all sorts of directions. Google, Baseball, Shenanigans might be the story of an impromptu stickball game in the Google dining hall. Meh. Google Baseball: Shenanigans sounds more like some hot foot on the Google softball team. A little better. Google! Baseball! Shenanigans! is either a more exciting version of all of the above, or some sort of strange tribute to Tora! Tora! Tora!.

Thankfully perhaps, we’re leaving the punctuation open. But if cornered, we’d pick Google: Baseball Shenanigans, because that most correctly represents the research that went into this piece. Maybe you scoff at the methods, but the results took us on a strange trip through the meanings of the words themselves.

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Hey, Ron Gardenhire, your team is losing by 15 runs, a position player is on the mound, and your center fielder and shortstop just let a harmless fly ball drop between them. Is that Twins baseball?

Hey, Ron Gardenhire: Evans contends that Lacan’s earliest versions of the mirror stage, while flawed, can be regarded as a pioneering concept in the field of ethology and a precursor of both cognitive psychology and evolutionary psychology. Do you find any validity in this argument?

Huh. Okay. Well, anyway, I might be visiting Minneapolis this fall. Any chance you and I could get some drinks?

It hasn’t been the best of days around here at NotGraphs World HQ, but maybe things are looking up? How’s that? Well, perhaps you’ll recall my affection and longing for the rare confluence of absurdities that is the inside-the-park grand slam (note: you will not recall this, but still). Turns out such a miracle recently came to pass, thanks to Jeremy Moore of the Salt Lake Bees, three of his teammates and the burning fire-god in the sky.

By all means, please dig!

A thing related to my occupation for which I have yearned has come to pass! Let us now praise professional fulfillment in all its forms!

Video essays are the best  kind of essays. And the excellent one you’ll find below is by Sportsnet’s Stephen Brunt, in my opinion the finest sports journalist the great nation of Canada can lay claim to. Enjoy.

It doesn’t happen often: A player for the ages turning up on your favorite team. In a perfect world, Roberto Alomar would have stayed a Blue Jay longer. In a perfect world, there would have been more championships to go with that magical pair. But what a great thing to have had him here, at his best. And now, to have him bring the Blue Jays to Cooperstown.

Brunt’s more than a journalist; he’s a poet. That, my friends, is how you wrap up a video essay, with those words, and Roberto Alomar’s Hall of Fame smile.

Continuing our examination of fashion sense for the intellectually demanding fan, we move on to Atlanta, home of the Braves since 1966.  Of course, when we think of Atlanta Braves baseball, most of us immediately think of the playoff streak, and the triumvirate of Maddux, Glavine and Smoltz.  Older fans will remember Aaron’s charge at 716.  Between these eras, there was Dale Murphy and not much else.  It’s strange that the modern Braves, after these peaks and valleys, have been so nondescript in comparison.

Still, there’s plenty of irony to be had in the baseball jerseys of the Atlanta Braves.

1966 Eddie Mathews: I am not a Braves fan, but I find Mathews fascinating.  Overshadowed by Aaron most of his career, Mathews feels like a afterthought Hall of Famer, the kind of guy people forget when they play Sporcle.  And yet you’ve got teams who don’t have a Hall of Famer at all, much less a dominant one.  Mathews played one year in Atlanta near the end of his career, and played well, making this a good jersey choice for the ironic and the unironic at the same time.

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That clamor you hear is the people’s collective demand to be introduced to the 1976 AL starting All-Stars. As is the case with anything having anything to do with baseball and or matters of the heart, I’m here to satisfy.

Witness George Brett in “young man somewhat agape at the possibilities before him” mode! See Thurman Munson exchange pleasantries with a Red Sock of Boston! There’s an understandably self-serious Ron LeFlore! Toby Harrah has a puzzling coif! Rusty Staub is somewhat gigantic! And most and best of all: Gaze upon the still photograph of a certain starting pitcher and tell me all is not well …

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oeT4AyXUu2Q&playnext=1&list=PL1DD909EC17590A1F

Also: Kick its ass, Dave Cameron.

If for some reason you haven’t heard, I regret to be the one informing you that FanGraphs’ First and Only Full-Time Employee Dave Cameron has leukemia.

This news makes me, Carson Cistulli, upset. Despite the fact that he looks strange and hasn’t seen a movie since 1987, Dave Cameron is a truly thoughtful man and, if I may say, a dear friend. I believe I speak for everyone on the NotGraphs masthead, when I say that we look forward to Cameron recovering fully.

Joe West has a different approach, though. When he learned this morning about Cameron’s condition, he did the only thing that Joe West really knows how to do: he frigging tossed leukemia.

Though most of us have likely questioned West’s decision-making at one point or another, I think it’s clear that West’s instincts are entirely flawless in this matter.

All of which leads me to this entirely giant and heartfelt message:

It is safe to say there is no question who would occupy the first spot on a hypothetical NotGraphs Mount Rushmore: the venerable Country Joe West, in all his glory. After Sir West, there is room for some debate, between a variety of figures:

Dick Allen – A big item among the, uh, less young members of the staff. Great hair, which would be profoundly difficult to properly recreate in stone.

Charlie Blackmon – A tremendous source of joy to one and all. But mostly Carson. Would surely increase handsomeness factor of monument, drastically needed after the necessary inclusion of West.

Delmon Young – Even if he’s not originally added, his history fiend ways will see him on our monument in the end.

Mark Reynolds When asked about his potential inclusion on a NotGraphs Mount Rushmore, Reynolds was quite apathetic.

Eliezer Alfonzo The initial protagonist of the thrilling “Secrets of Snake Juice” series, Alfonzo has earned his spot as a dark horse candidate.

Wily Mo “Bad Miracle” Pena – Duh.

The choices are plentiful, even with the probably untrue assumption I didn’t forget any deserving persons. I leave it to you, NotGraphs: who deserves to be on the NotGraphs Mount Rushmore?

It is a widely accepted fact that Wikipedia is the pulse of all that is humanity. It provides a compendium of both the key elements of our history, as well as an archive of fun facts. However, many Wikipedia users are unaware of the secret underbelly of Wikipedia, the sacred texts of the history section.

Next time you are looking up the history of the crepe or the works of an American Poet, consider taking a gander at the history tab.

Inside the history section, one finds a deluge of deliberately confusing nerd code, but if you randomly click around for a little while, you may end up with dandy’s like this one from an old Todd Hollandsworth entry:
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