Nickname Seeks Player: “Señor Buttcheeks”

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Derek Jeter had sex with the nickname “L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes” and left it a gift basket. So Mr. Jeter has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
“Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
“Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
“Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
“I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
“Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
“Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
“Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
“Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
“Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
“Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
“The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
“Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla
“Soft Corinthian Leather” – Omar Vizquel
“Gomez’s Hamburger” – Mark Hamburger
“Advanced Dungeons & Dragons” – R.A. Dickey
“L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes” – Derek Jeter

And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “Señor Buttcheeks”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

In our little world, this name was originally applied to Jayson Werth’s former and unfortunate haircut, but the haircut has become a man, and that man may of course be someone other than Mr. Werth.

So what kind of man is Señor Buttcheeks? He is the kind of man whom, if you didn’t know his name, you might casually address as “Señor Buttcheeks.” For instance: “Hey, Señor Buttcheeks, which way to the liquor store?” Or, alternatively: “Easy, Señor Buttcheeks, that’s my street-legal ’74 Dodge Duster you’re leaning against.”

In short, Señor Buttcheeks looks like the kind of man who inspires you to call him Señor Buttcheeks.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

If I met Lenny Dykstra in person, I’m not sure I could resist calling him Señor Buttcheeks, in large part because of his dumb lips and face. Thereupon he would maul me with his beefy fists, but that likelihood is baked into my decision to call him “Señor Buttcheeks” in the first place.

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current ballplayer, because he looks like he should be nicknamed “Señor Buttcheeks”, should be nicknamed “Señor Buttcheeks”?

The convention floor, which is a butt, is open for nominations …