Most Saucy Riposte Winner: Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets, it seems

On Tuesday I asked you to either 1) Vote for one of the saucy ripostes I came up with in, like, 45 seconds while watching The Walking Dead, or 2) Craft your own saucy riposte. These ripostes (riposte! riposte! riposte! How many times can I write riposte!?) riposted a verbal thrust from Carlos Beltran, which insinuated that Yasiel Puig was both ignorant of the implications of his own actions and geographically misaligned in the head. Presto [note: altered from original quotation]:

“As a player, I just think you don’t know how to act… That’s what I think. You really don’t know. You must think that you’re still playing somewhere else.”

Of the options I gave, the following riposte received the most votes:

“Indeed, I think I must be playing at home on my Xbox, given the ease with which I’ve defeated you.”

Of the options presented by voters in the “Other” box, there were many! It appears many readers never developed the verbal jousting acumen I expected from noble NotGraphs readers, given the number of responses invoking Carlos Beltran’s mother in some capacity. Ta-da:

“I was playing at yo mama’s house last night”

“Your mother”

“That’s right I’m playing somewhere else, your momma’s butt is where I’m playing.”

Perhaps, given the stereotypes surrounding those interested in in-depth statistical analysis, I should have realized that nerds probably never figured out how to make comebacks more poignant than referencing the offender’s mother’s anus. This is not to say that I wasn’t thoroughly tickled by these ripostes! Also, I love you, nerds. Other themes included fecal matter:

“You are poop.”

“Yeah I think I’ playing ON YOUR FACE! OH SNAP! OH SHIT SON!”

“You’re right. I was far too subdued for having just hit a stand up triple. I thought we were in St. Louis and thus felt I should show the proper amount of respect for the game. Had I remembered we were in LA I would have totally lost my shit.”

And acting/acting classes:

“Don’t know how to act? Listen, EVERYONE thought that ball was over the wall. I sold that scene like a candy bar at fat camp. I didn’t take two years of improv and three of scene study to have some hack tell me that my work is contrived, so how bout you go back to your little community center production and let the professionals do their work. *puts on ascott*//*storms out in a huff*”

“You know what, I’m working on that, I really am. Put me under the bright lights of October, and, well, you see what happens — so my agent helped me sign up for some classes this winter through a good, really reputable acting school. They’re supposed to do drama, comedy, classical stuff, even some Alexander technique. And I’m gonna come back next season standing taller, enunciating, ready to compete.”

“My participation in several Royal Shakespeare Company productions says otherwise! You, on the other hand, have the approximate acting ability Hayden Christensen displayed in what attempted to be Star Wars films.”

+1 for referencing an ascot! Still other responses either 1) sought to poke fun at Google’s attempt to warn form users against submitting passwords or 2) utilized dadaist rejoinders to counter the verbal thrust. Shazam:

“Password is ‘TACO'”

“passwords”

“jnco”

“huh”

Despite my love of nonsense, these ripostes were not enough to win it. The winner of Craft a Saucy Riposte to Carlos Beltran is bolded below:

“As a player, I just think you don’t know how to act… That’s what I think. You really don’t know. You must think that you’re still playing somewhere else.”

“As a player? I’m not a player I just crush a lot.”

As well as being succinct, sweet, and saucy all at once, this riposte references Big Pun a.k.a. Big Punisher’s infamous (edited) hook “I ain’t a player I just crush a lot.” “Crush,” here, is reimagined as Puig crushing the baseball instead of Big Punisher crushing… well.. uh, being sexually active… heterosexually, specifically. This riposte brought me oodles of joy.

Since Google forms doesn’t allow me to see who submitted what, feel free to claim your glory in the comments, player, and I will perhaps update the title of this post with your username.

Also here’s a picture of Big Punisher in a Yankees hat: