MLB TeeVee: Two and a Half Nen

This is the fifth in a series of short excerpts from MLB Network’s entirely imaginary new fall sitcoms. More details here.

Today’s show: TWO AND A HALF NEN

[scrippet]
INT. ROBB’S HOUSE — LIVING ROOM

ROBB
Hey, Bobb, the Giants are winning. Winning. They’re winning. 8-3 in the 7th.

BOBB
Oh, okay, so you’re going to be the Charlie Sheen character in this mess?

ROBB
Yes, that’s right. Homer by Sandoval. 9-3. Still winning. And I would say I have Tiger blood running through my veins, but in my case I think it would be more accurate to say Giant blood. Or Marlin blood. Or a little bit of Ranger blood, from my rookie season. Where are the goddesses?

BOBB
There are no more goddesses. You’ve been retired for almost a decade. The goddesses stopped being interested once your shoulder disintegrated.

ROBB
My shoulder’s fine. I have Adonis DNA. It healed itself.

BOBB
You spent two seasons trying to rehabilitate from three shoulder surgeries. I think that proved you have human DNA, and a human arm, and, really, at this point, barely an arm at all.

ROBB
I don’t need arms. I have paws. Marlin paws. Did you know my career ERA is under 3? Under 3! How many players have career ERAs under 3?

BOBB
That’s because your arm fell off. You didn’t have a decline phase.

ROBB
Shut up.
[/scrippet]