Mike Quade, Professional Human Being

A few footnotes missing from the ESPN article about Mike Quade’s dismissal as Cubs manager.

The Chicago Cubs fired manager Mike Quade on Wednesday, and president of baseball operations Theo Epstein said the search for his successor begins immediately.¹

Epstein and general manager Jed Hoyer met with Quade last week at Wrigley Field and spoke again by phone Tuesday² after Hoyer’s introductory press conference³. Epstein flew to Florida to tell Quade that he would not return⁴.

“When I joined the Cubs last week, I knew that Mike had a reputation as an outstanding baseball guy⁵, as a tireless worker⁶, and as a first-rate human being⁷,” Epstein said in a release. “After spending some time with him this past week⁸, it became apparent to me that Mike’s reputation is well deserved⁹. His passion¹⁰, knowledge of the game¹¹, commitment¹², and integrity¹³ stood out immediately. While Mike is clearly an asset to any organization¹⁴ and any major league staff¹⁵, Jed and I believe that the Cubs¹⁶ would benefit long-term¹⁷ from bringing in a manager for 2012 who can come in with a clean slate¹⁸ and offer new direction.”¹⁹

¹In fact, it already began last week. Shhhh.
²They called collect.
³Formally known as the “Pre-Mike-Quade’s-Firing Press Conference.”
⁴Epstein was also spotted riding Space Mountain. “Who’s Theo Epstein?” he said to the fan who recognized him.
⁵Also an outstanding baseball guy: the Cubs batboy.
⁶Keeping Carlos Zambrano from killing the rest of his teammates is an endlessly time-consuming task.
⁷Rumors that Quade is an invertebrate have been proven untrue.
⁸Except for that half-day at Disney World, riding Space Mountain.
⁹It should be obvious by this point: Epstein, like everyone else who wasn’t on the Cubs payroll, had never heard the name “Mike Quade” before taking this job.
¹⁰Passion for retirement, hopefully.
¹¹The game of shuffleboard.
¹²Commitment counts a lot in shuffleboard.
¹³Someone picked up a thesaurus yesterday, am I right?
¹⁴Except for this one.
¹⁵Except for this one.
¹⁶Well, the team formerly known as the Cubs, soon to be known as the Chicago Red Sox, with manager Terry Francona, third baseman David Ortiz, ace starter Curt Schilling, Ted Williams’s unfrozen head playing the outfield, fried chicken and beer in the clubhouse, and an Ivy-covered Green Monster (also known as Carlos Zambrano’s Halloween costume).
¹⁷And short-term, and medium-term, and every other term.
¹⁸Mike Quade, for all his positive qualities, like an ability to respire, and two-handed-ness, had a very dirty slate.
¹⁹Especially since the old direction seemed to be “down.” Oh, Mike Quade, I’m still not sure how to pronounce your name, and now I guess it doesn’t really matter, does it?