Metaphysical Injury Report

As spring winds down, it’s time to get you updated on the weaknesses of the spirit as well as those of the flesh. Here’s the latest news:

Jerry Hairston blames his recent slump on a piece of advice from his childhood that has recently taken root and developed into a larger problem. “My little league coaches encouraged me to ‘be the ball’, and it made a lot of sense,” he told reporters after a recent spring training game. “But the other day I started thinking about it, and I realized I really was the ball. I mean, basically we’re part of everything, right? I’m me and the bat and the ball and [Rockies pitcher Jhoulys] Chacin all at the same time. It gets a little confusing.” Hairston has decided to go on the 15-day DL to find himself.

Meanwhile, Red Sox prospect Xander Bogaerts admitted that a brush with the teachings of Heraclitus had interfered with his learning curve at the plate. Having discovered the maxim that change is the only constant in our lives, and that “we never step into the same river twice,” Bogaerts reported difficulty with pitch recognition, having no deductive experience to apply the spin and location of each pitch to. When asked how he planned to deal with the problem, Bogaerts replied, “I’m not sure I can, bro. But luckily, even though every pitch is a new pitch, every Xander Bogaerts will be a new Xander Bogaerts. So let’s hope that dude knows what to do when the time comes.”

Chris Iannetta was ejected from a game last Thursday over a political dispute. At root: a perceived infringement over his ability to dictate his own objective moral truth during the seventh inning. “I understand that the conflict between person and society is fraught with peril,” he told a handful of reporters after the 7-4 loss to the Dodgers. “But I refuse to accept the fascist dictatorship of [umpire Angel Hernandez] as the only possible reality. He has his version of the at-bat, and I have mine.” Iannetta then released his own AL West standings based on the reality he perceives.

Other Notes:

Marlins starting pitcher Kevin Slowey refused to be designated to AAA New Orleans, arguing that “both good and evil are necessary” to the appreciation of life and that he had “a valuable role with some club out there”.

White Sox DH Adam Dunn was unable to establish his own existence through traditional Descartian means last night, and thus was erased from reality for several hours. The Chicago training staff was able to re-establish Dunn’s identity and place in the time-space continuum several hours later, and he pinch-hit in the seventh. Dunn struck out in that at bat.