Mariano Rivera’s Oregano Rumpus

A tweet larded with hot facts:

At this point — and given that Mariano Rivera will absolutely have an Oregano Rumpus in his honor on Sept. 22 — we are left with no more, no fewer than two possibilities:

1 – Mariano Rivera so loves perennial herbs that he requested that an Oregano Rumpus occasion his retirement from baseball.

2 – That the Yankees’ procurement department wants to present Mariano Rivera with a righteous bag of sweet-ass weed; the Yankees’ promotions department, however, is aware that Floyd, who still uses a pager for Gods’s sake, merely dumped some McCormick’s in a plastic baggy and sold it to procurement at marked-up prices befitting the flawless Sonoma Coma strain. The Yankees’ promotions department is also aware that Mariano Rivera, being a gentleman who respects the rule of law, wants nothing to do with illegal street drugs. Knowing procurement’s insistence on giving Mariano Rivera some weed, though, the promotions department spread the word that it’s actually going to be oregano that he receives, which explains the above tweet. Trust me: That was easier than talking procurement out of giving Mariano Rivera a sack of doobage.

Everyone involved except for procurement is aware that it’s oregano in the Ziploc. This is the case even after procurement bong-smoked the entire bag and, in a panic, replaced what they thought was pot with oregano.