LOLGammo(s): “Buy Her a Washing Machine”

It’s becoming increasingly evident that Peter Gammons’s “pocket tweets” are not actually pocket tweets at all. Unless Gammons’s pocket lint is able to form sentences like “You’re really helping me” and “I was worried it was the pancakes,” the more likely explanation is that he is unable to distinguish his phone’s texting interface from its Twitter client. Thus, rather than being sent discreetly to his intended interlocutor, these messages are broadcast to his nearly 100,000 followers.

Indeed, one of the great joys of Twitter is being there when one of these gems is set free into the internets. Gammons’s latest mistweet (presented for your consumption in LOLGammo form above) is like a puzzle and a joke all tied into one. The statement “Buy her a washing machine” raises a few questions:

1. Buy who a washing machine? Who is the “her”? It is my expert opinion that there is no way that “her” can refer to Peter Gammons’s wife. Because who the hell purchases a new washing machine for his wife? What I mean is, barring some sort of estrangement, who considers a washing machine to be something you buy for your wife?  Since the consolidation of the gains made by the feminist movement, we no longer think of domestic work as the sole province of wives. Hence, phrasing it this way would be ridiculous. Are we to assume that Peter Gammons is unable to do his own laundry? Are we to assume that Peter Gammons is bad enough at giving gifts that he’d consider giving his wife a washing machine to be a good idea?

Moreover, if we proceed from the highly unlikely position that Peter Gammons is a sexist pig, who has a third party purchase a washing machine for his wife? Wouldn’t it be easier for him to just go online order one himself? Okay, given his aforementioned inability to distinguish Twitter from a text message, there is a nonzero chance that he could go online with the intention of purchasing a Whirlpool high efficiency front-load washer and instead end up with a lifetime subscription to BangBros. But it’s a very remote chance.

Which brings us to the next question:

2. Who was the intended recipient of this tweet? Now this, I believe, could be his wife. My theory is that some female the Gammonses know is having some sort of important celebration (wedding, baby shower, housewarming, etc.) and Peter — as both a generous mensch and pragmatist — has settled on a washing machine as a gift. Perfectly reasonable and uncontroversial.

An alternate theory, though, is that the washing machine being discussed is entirely hypothetical and this tweet is the punchline of a horribly sexist joke which I won’t even bother with attempting to reconstruct here. In this case, the following LOLGammo might be more appropriate: