Lists and Rankings: Today in Sexual Innuendo
It has recently come to the author’s attention that, rather than producing actual content, it might be preferable to pass judgment on other people’s content, and then to assemble those judgments into one easily digestible rankings list.
In this edition of Lists and Rankings, we continue our furious pursuit of the Lowest Common Denominator — namely, this time, by reproducing below the day’s headlines which might most easily be conceived as having sexual undertones. Note how the author has included one or two lines’ worth of pithy commentary, lest you find yourself under the impression that absolutely zero effort was expended in the creation of this bloggiest of blog posts. Note also the hilarious use of the words reproducing and conceived in the first sentence of this paragraph.
10. San Francisco Giants: Blah Blah Blah Playoff Push, Bleacher Report
Not a Salt-n-Pepa song, turns out.
9. The BP Wayback Machine: Blowing It, Baseball Prospectus
Yep.
8. Checking In on Colorado’s Offseason Extensions, MLB Trade Rumors
After that particular kind of procedure, it’s important to get routine check-ups.
7. Miller Gets the Ball for Sox in Series Finale, ESPN Boston
Provided it’s consensual, that’s totally fine.
6. Can the Rockies Make the NL West a Three-Way?, Big League Stew
Did I maybe leave out some words? Sure. Remember, though, reader: sometimes it’s the notes you don’t play.
5. Wood on the Ball, MASN Sports
This is actually just the name of Phil Wood’s column. Which: Phil Wood.
4. Indians Try to Pocket Thome, Getting Blanked
I think I know what pocketing is, and I’m pretty sure it’s a one-man operation, Indians.
3. Marlins SS Ramirez Eyes Rehab Start, Pro Sports Daily
You’re looking pretty good tonight, Rehab Start. I’ll suggest that we rendezvous at the bar ca. 2:00 am — if you find that plan amenable to your tastes.
2. Down on the Farm, Redleg Nation
That’s how diseases spread, Redleg Nation.
1. Back-to-Back Not Enough, Centerfield Gate
“I don’t feel anything in this position.”
Carson Cistulli has published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.
I was quite underwhelmed with the “Marlins SS Ramirez Eyes Rehab Start” while I was reading the headline. I was both questioning my ability to comprehend, and your ability to create whit. However upon reading your pithy commentary I:
a) began laughing
b) came to once again revere your comic geniousity
c) realized that there is atleast one man in the world able to pull out sexual innuendo at an even more perverse rate than I.
Thank You and Godspeed Carson.
Nerded up a Biggie lyric = comedy gold.