Jeffrey Loria Anvil Flattening Strippers Dancing Celebration

Jeffrey Loria

Last Wednesday, in one of my weaker moments, I asked for your opinion regarding which headline you would be most likely to click on. The winning headline is, of course, above. I regret this decision, as democracy remains a profoundly stupid thing.  As we all remember from last year’s Ron Swanson Hall of Fame debacle, if you want a decision made right, you need an enlightened despot and absolute sovereign to do it.

Nevertheless, I refused to impose my will on you all as I should have, and we devolved into the depraved preferences of the common public. Indeed, let it be forever remembered that the rabble will gladly choose mindless dance competitions populated by familiar, vapid faces,  police procedurals, and (worst of all) The Big Bang Theory over unparalleled genius like Breaking Bad and the first three seasons of Community.

Damn you, the plurality decided they would like to watch a billionaire (a modern day monarch who, by rights, should rule us all if there ever was one) flattened by an blacksmith’s anvil, as strumpets gyrated  in celebration of his bloody and painful death, rather than the exquisite beauty of a perfectly performed nutshot on TJ Simers. You stupid souls would rather see the tragic end of a tone-deaf titan, rather than see a boorish, whiny, ungrateful relief pitcher deservedly cast into a pit of alligators during a picnic.

Well, the 20.5 percent of you who voted enthusiastically to witness wholesale slaughter and titillation will get your wish.  I am a man of my word, having entered myself into a binding social contract to provide you the base entertainment you crave like decadent Romans eager to see early Christians disemboweled in front of you.  Here then. Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?  Very well. Feast your eyes:

OK, fine. That was a little cathartic. Damn you, John Locke. Once again, you’ve bested me. And I need to see those scantily-clad dancing girls again:

Loria 5

(Thanks be to David Temple for the gif’ing assistance. And to Carson, for mocking me throughout my attempts at making one, my hatred for you glows ever hotter.)

Mike Bates co-founded The Platoon Advantage, and has written for many other baseball websites, including NotGraphs (rest in peace) and The Score. Currently, he writes for Baseball Prospectus and co-hosts the podcast This Week In Baseball History. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter @MikeBatesSBN.

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Dan Rozenson
10 years ago

The fireworks is what does it for me.