Interview with Definitely a Real Scientist re: Jeter’s Teflon Image

Derek Jeter’s 20th major-league season will be his final one, the Yankees shortstop announced recently. As Mike Lupica noted in a stirring piece of investigative journalism from 2007 — and as Bradley Woodrum has elsewise confirmed in these pages just today — the Captain seems strangely immune to bad press. NotGraphs spoke with definitely a real scientist from American chemical company DuPont to inquire about their role in Jeter’s impeccable reputation.

For a player with such a long career, under such intense media scrutiny, and with rather a long list of sexy, famous ladyfriends — for all that, Derek Jeter seems to have remained almost entirely free of controversy. DuPont has had something to do with that, I understand.

Yes. We were able to devise a method by which to apply Teflon, our popular non-stick coating for pans, to his public image.

Perhaps this is naive of me, but what’s involved in the actual process of administering a synthetic fluoropolymer to an abstract concept like “image.”

The process is a very technical one that basically only a top-level scientist like myself can understand. The way I explain it to people, though, is that it’s a little like in Total Recall, what they do to Arnold Schwarzenegger, except way less frigthening and Mars-y.

But still with that three-breasted woman, I suppose (laughs)?

You’ll excuse me for saying it, I hope, but that’s a ridiculous question. Of course with the three-breasted woman. Everyone agrees — heterosexual men and homosexual men, hetero- and homosexual women, most other known primates, whatever Morrissey is — everyone’s in support of that three-breasted woman from Total Recall. Our research supports that conclusion all day.

Has DuPont worked with any other noted baseball players?

I believe it’s common knowledge that Nick Swisher has a “nylon personality.” Nylon, of course, is a synthetic material originally produced by DuPont.

A brief inspection of the other products for which DuPont is responsible reveals, like, an almost complete list of chemicals my second-grade teacher Mrs. White said were harmful for people and the environment. Like CFCs, I mean, and whatever genetically modified seeds you manufacture.

Oh, we’re evil. Absolutely. But also so, so rich!